The Lyrics

This one really benefits from being read against the OS which is available at http://www.stuartmcarthur.com/DuellingBanjoes.mp3........ or click on Duelling Banjoes at http://www.stuartmcarthur.com/mp3s.htm..and please imagine this being sung achipella-style by two bitchy mangoes.....(what?)

Yo!

what...?

You!

huh?

I'm...the...sweeter.....man...............go!

Don't...
go...
there...

I-am-much...sweet.....er!
You-are-eff.....in....not!

Yes I effin am
No you're effin not

I-am fat and firm
(like a pachyderm)

and I reign supreme
in...your...dreams

I - am - much more plump and ripe than you
You are not more plump and ripe than me

I am firmer on the stalk than you
you are not firmer stalk-wise than me

my colour is a gorgeous hue
gorgeous hue of ...what?

well the orchard owner's girl likes me
no the orchard owner's girl does not

but-she stopped a while under my tree
but-it doesn't mean she thinks you're hot

and-she almost picked me then and there
and-I'm wond-er-ing why she did not

she-would like to eat me anywhere
and-I'm wond-er-ing what made her stop

coz-she thought I could get riper still
and-you're so unripe you likely will

I will GET picked first

You will NOT get picked

I will GET picked first

You will GET ass-kicked

You're a VERY sickly-looking fruit......I am getting sick and tired of you
You are jealous of my perfect skin......it is shellfish-like and half caved-in
You should take back those nasty words
I won't take back a thing
so...
shut (no you) your big (shut up) fat trap (you're just) or else (jea-lous)
I'll shut (coz I'm) it for (the best) you You (I am) are in (a fine)
deny (ripe shade) -al of (of deep) the fact (and dark) that you're (crimson)
dark green (I'm not!) are too! am not. are too! am not. are too! am not

I'll snare a big-name brand one day
You're barely fit for canned puree
my bouquet has a scent of pear
I'd know your odour anywhere
your bumcrack aint as deep as mine
yeah duh! more mango meat inside
you're mean! you're being such a nerd
you're green, you're green, you're green, you turd
that is not true, that's nigh absurd
I'm telling you what I have heard

you're a lying ass

it's the simple truth

you are high on gas

I can give you proof

and I BET your pip is shrivelled dry......it is wet and thick, this pip of mine
and your warty things'll multiply......I will shortly be de-wartified
You should have shades of red by now
I do, I'll tell you how
coz...
I (oh sure) take in (you like) the sun (to think) because (I'm green) I'm not (to make)
in shade (yourself) like you (forget) and so (the fact) I got (you don't)
to get (have such) so ripe (a deep) and you (bumcrack) can't take (like my)
it you (fine gash) fat oaf (fat oaf) did you (did you) just call (just call) me fat (me fat)
I'm coming.coming.coming.coming -coming to fix YOU this time

oh no I'm tumbling - no I'm tumbling

tumbling tumbling down

(splat!)

http://www.stuartmcarthur.com/DuellingBanjoes.mp3

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User Comments

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Stuart McArthur - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

thanks Leo - yes I put some work into this one on a psycho-mango level - I wanted to understand WHY these mangoes hated each other so much - what was the root of their little mango insecurities that would make them want to act in this aggressive fashion? - and I reckon I now know each bango twang of the OS like the back of my hand ;-)

Dee Range - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

Highly original and DAMN funny, Stu. You raised the bar impossibly high for all instrumental parodies here. Super high 5's

Leo Jay - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

Ah, the banjo tune from the movie 'Deliverance'!

Ripe, juicy and MOST impressive. It can be difficult enough taking on an instrumental OS, and this particular one is a heck of a challenge. The idea of them talking about being 'picked' is a sly nod to the original banjo concept. Masterful, hilarious job.

Leo Jay - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

Stu, clever guy that I am, I corrected my comment and requested that the first one be removed BEFORE I checked and saw that you'd already responded in the interim... so if Chucky goes ahead and deletes my first comment, your response may look a bit weird... ;-)

alvin rhodes - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

i'll think of mangos every time i hear this tune now...lol..5s

AFW - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

Far out and fantastic....Great job of lyric wording an instrumental as difficult as this one..

Stuart McArthur - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

thanks, Dee...

thanks Leo for pointing out it's the theme tune from Deliverance (I meant to mention that) and yes, if comment 1 gets deleted it will confuse people for maybe a nanosecond now you've explained it for them - ta......

thanks alvin - hope so - at least there's no OS words to get in the way of my replacements

Stuart McArthur - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

ooh, your comment must've snuck in while I was typing, AFW - thanks a lot - and yes, I was a bit frightened of doing the fast bit, I must admit

John Barry - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

Fruity and funny. Fives

Rick C - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

Brilliant concept and execution! 555

Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

"Deliverance", is that the old movie about four men taking a canoe trip down a river in a valley about to be flooded? With Burt Reynold as one of the four?

Besides that question, first I though this was gonna be about Gwyneth's 19:th and 20:th kids (Yellow Mango and Red Mango), you fruitcake, you!

Red Ant - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

I had thought of parodying an instrumental, but scrapped that idea. It wouldn't have been this good anyways. 5s.

Meriadoc - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

Wow! Great work Stu, very masterful! But when the mango hits the ground, does it squeal like a pig...? ;-D

MasonR - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

I'll think of this grilliant parody next time I eat a Mango. Mmmm, I think I'll have one now...but WHICH one?

Phil Alexander - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

D'Oh! Sorry, I hit the "2" for "overall" when aiming for the voting button... which is a great shame as this is a wonderful idea brilliantly executed.

Chastizer - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

Not very phil-anthropic, Mr Alexander. But we can now coin a new AmIRight-ism: whenever we see an inappropriate vote, we can say that the writer's been 'Philled'.

Stuart McArthur - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment

thanks John.....thanks Rick

thanks Peter, and for remembering Gwyneth - hmm, I do seem to write about fruit, don't I....

thanks Red Ant - yeah it's totally different to do - the blank lyrical canvas is both good and bad, and the necessity of perfect beat pacing is a bit of a headache, but worth it when you've finished and you play it in the background - now I want to do it as a performance piece - two singers on stage, dressed as mangoes, singing achipella-style

thanks Merry - which makes me think - just like the f-word, rooted has two meanings - and although the mango wasn't rooted in the "Deliverance pig" sense when it hit the ground, it certainly WAS rooted!

thanks Mason - personally I always go for the mango with the shallowest bumcrack - for reasons mentioned in the parody ;-)

thanks, Phil, for owning up when you didn't need to, and stopping me from pondering the meaning of that unique creature, the 552!

Tim Mayfield - June 10, 2005 - Report this comment

Splatterrific! 5's The mango tango plop drop!

Kristof Robertson - June 10, 2005 - Report this comment

This is so far out of left field, I'm wonderin' if your medication has stopped working again, Stu..;-) 555 of course

Royce Miller - June 10, 2005 - Report this comment

Very unique and interesting.

Stuart McArthur - June 10, 2005 - Report this comment

thanks Tim - that's either a new dance or a new sports energy drink

thanks Kristof - started working again you mean...;-)

thanks Royce :-) - I really appreciate the visit

Jeff Reuben - June 14, 2005 - Report this comment

Very clever! I also liked the picked lines

Stuart McArthur - June 14, 2005 - Report this comment

thanks Jeff - much as I'd like to take credit for that clever double-meaning gag, alas it was unintentional!

Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - July 03, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Reading/Listening to this one again with a big ripe smile on my face, come final harvest time you are very likely to be picked among my first five, unless European Union regulations forbids me to go for Australian Mangoes. :-)

Stuart McArthur - July 03, 2005 - Report this comment

thanks for taking the trouble Peter - this one sort of depends on having the mp3 in the background to work :-)

Dumb Ass Kid - July 06, 2005 - Report this comment

[SOTM] So very very clever and equally as funny... this, imo, is a strong contender this month 555

Leo Jay - July 07, 2005 - Report this comment

[SOTM] Classic.

Red Ant - July 08, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Well I had considered about a dozen solos/instrumentals for such a task but some of the picks were over 7 minutes in length with multiple instruments and too obscure anyway. This is great and I may re-consider that task in the future. Excellent work Stu.

Arwen - July 08, 2005 - Report this comment

SOTM--nice job...I have to join the "where in the hell does he come up with this stuff" crowd...=)

Dee Range - July 10, 2005 - Report this comment

SOTM....still fantastic

Agrimorfee - July 11, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) I liked it. I still find it difficult to call this type of work an actual parody--more like an arrangement. Still worthy of commendation.

Mike (Mike Armstrong) - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) It takes a good one to make me laugh out loud, this one did

Dr. Bob - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment

this is cute. i like the "eff-in" lines. i thought mangoes were well-behaved. i guess i learned something today

Charlie Decker - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Well, it's certainly inspired. Nice job!

Stuart McArthur - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment

thanks DAK, Leo, Red Ant, Arwen, Dee, Agri, Mike, Dr Bob (well not all mangoes are badly behaved Doctor - all it takes is one bad mango to spoil the bunch, or an insecure one at least) - thanks Charlie

Jeff Reuben - July 15, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Still excellent, see above! I wonder, where will this man go next?

Rick C - July 25, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Still vine-ripened genius here!

Spaff.com - July 27, 2005 - Report this comment

"This one really benefits from being read against the OS" - well, if THAT isn't the site's biggest understatement. This is mind-blowingly creative. I maintained a goofy grin as I followed it all the way through, then as soon as the MP3 ended I had to start it over again. Even more goofy grinning the second time. I get lost in the really fast parts, but that's an indictment of the reader, not the author. This is ingenious. Oh, and it's effin funny, too.

Johnny D - July 28, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Fantastic! I love parodies that put wacky words to instrumentals --- I've done some myself!

Tim Mayfield - July 28, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Tree 5's, I good example of dual mangling.

2nz - July 30, 2005 - Report this comment

So yeah, at first I didn't like this very much, but it's been growing on me... so I guess that makes me the mango tree. Creative and brilliant, and great pacing besides. One of your best and one of the most original parodies I have seen, which is truly something.

Ethan Mawyer - July 30, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) wow. I'd like to do an instrumental parody one day but it'll be quite difficult to beat this

Kristof Robertson - July 31, 2005 - Report this comment

(SOTM) You know I love this, ya crazy freak!! ;-)

Mikey Squirrel - July 31, 2005 - Report this comment

SOTM.. Bravo for making an instumental parody. And on mangoes of all things. Well done, Stuart. 555

Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - August 01, 2005 - Report this comment

Ha ha ha ha haaa! I shoulda read this one sooner. Terrific job, Stu. Clever, witty and hilarious. Go, man, go.

JUNE 2005 SONG OF THE MONTH SILVER MEDAL - August 13, 2005 - Report this comment

http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3009.0;id=7404;image

Matthias - January 16, 2006 - Report this comment

A way, way, way belated job well done, this parody is ripe for the picking! After winning song of the Month in June, how about winning in my Going Insturmental song parody contest? At... http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php/topic,15567.0.html

Rick D - January 22, 2006 - Report this comment

Whew. So many people commented. But fantastic I say!

Johnny D - January 22, 2006 - Report this comment

Fruit of the LOON !! ;-)

Kristof Robertson - January 30, 2006 - Report this comment

(INST) Eek! The freakin' mangoes return!! ;-)

Red Ant - March 05, 2006 - Report this comment

(2005 SOTY) See above, and this still impresses me quite a bit.

Agrimorfee - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTY 06) see above

John Jenkins - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment

Very, very creative, and lots of good lines, particularly "canned puree."

Claude Prez - March 22, 2006 - Report this comment

I once thought of doing "Dueling Bozos" but decided I'd have to be out of my mind to think I could make a good parody of this song. That says nothing about you, though, since this is outstanding.

Spaff.com - March 26, 2006 - Report this comment

I can only imagine what sort of backwoods freak my fellow travelers here at O'Hare airport must think I am, as I sit here laughing at my laptop while "Dueling Banjos" plays through the speakers. (I forgot my headphones.) I'm only too happy to rerererevisit this one, s2art. Brilliant concept and execution. And lines like "fit and firm/Like a pachyderm" just don't come along every day.

Jeff Reuben - March 27, 2006 - Report this comment

SOTY: As time goes on, more people (including myself) are realizing just how good this is, and how difficult writing this to the OS must have been! I honestly believe that if you had the SOTM contest for this month again with the same songs, it would win, likely running away. And hey, it's mangoes!

Stuart McArthur - March 27, 2006 - Report this comment

Thankyou Jeff! (from the guy who beat it - grrr) This one absolutely NEEDS the OS playing in the background for it to work - otherwise it just looks like a shambles, and I'm rapt that more people are taking the time (you can right-click on the OS above to open it in a new window, anybody!! - hint hint!!)

thanks Spaff - banjo music out of a laptop is guaranteed to turn heads amongst the younger set ;-)

Dueling Bozos! That's a great idea Claude - do it! - I'd love to see that, especially with your stamp on it

thanks JJ, Agri, Red, Kristof, Johnny, Rick D, Matthias, Luke (groan), Mikey, Ethan, 2nz (double groan - or should that be "grown"), Spaff a"effin"gain ;-) Rick C,and Jeff again (triple groan)

2005 SONG OF THE YEAR - April 09, 2006 - Report this comment

Third Place
http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php/topic,17591.0.html

Agrimorfee - October 05, 2007 - Report this comment

(ABC4) See above.

Matthias - October 09, 2007 - Report this comment

Still one of my favorites by you. Brilliant imaginiation.

bobpiecheese - October 15, 2007 - Report this comment

(ABC4) Seems this one has gone around a fair bit. Once read, it's hard not to see why! Excellente, Stu!

Kristof Robertson - October 17, 2007 - Report this comment

(ABC4D) The mangoes return! One of your stone-cold classics, Stu: insanely clever when written, and holds up beautifully over 2 years later. Just....awesome.

Jeff Reuben - October 17, 2007 - Report this comment

See above...an old favorite =)

Below Average Dave (badave.com) - October 17, 2007 - Report this comment

(ABC) Who oned this on Funny? Anyway, great job, very funny, I could have sworn I've read this one before.

Cat - October 17, 2007 - Report this comment

(ABC) WOW. WOW WOW WOW. A positively herculean effort, Stu, and it is indeed impossible to read this without smiling so hard your face hurts. Brilliant!!!

Mikey Squirrel - October 18, 2007 - Report this comment

ABC- Commented before, but it was nice to re-visit this classic. Very funny, Stu.

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Song Parodies -> "Duelling Mangoes"

"Duelling Banjoes"

Earl Flat and Lester Scruggs

"Duelling Mangoes"

Stuart McArthur

The Lyrics

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