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Song Parodies -> "American Pie"

Original Song Title:

"American Pie"

Original Performer:

Don McLean

Parody Song Title:

"American Pie"

Parody Written by:

Nib Oswald

The Lyrics

Introduced with a flute solo.
With one prom night to go,
Guys with flaccid members
Vow to 'lose it', do it chastey-style.
And these dudes who must drop their pants,
Go out to make some sweet romance.
But babes are not that sappy or beguiled.

The library hid a guide to lickin'.
Oz can't evade the jibes of Stifler.
One cute chick in chorus?
He's humming like a florist!
Oh man, young Jimbo's gone and eyed,
That hot Nadia, huge chest implied.
It's somewhat rushed, this feat of pride.
This ploy to woo tonight.

So why hire this 'American Pie'?
Oh, Jim's daddy loves to chevy,
Eugene Levy is wry.
Them carnal boys are feelin' frisky and spry.
Thinkin' prom'll be the date to perspire.
Get a piece of A and some thigh.

Did you read the book of tongue,
Or scoot to the ladies' for a dump?
Stick your vitals into dough?
Are you relieved in socks unrolled?
And oozing pastry... What's that hole?
Prematurely in your pants? You blow!

Well, it looks like you've a trouble whim.
Cuz the school is laughin' at ya, Jim.
Your oath to all get screwed?
Well, I think you kiddies will lose!
A bunch of lonely teenage wanker shmucks,
I've an inclination that you twits will suck.
But I guess either way, you're f***ed.
This ploy to woo tonight.

Adults are thinkin':
Why hire this 'American Pie'?
Who can bear all of the swearin'
Tact is barely applied!
Who could enjoy this filthy frisking? It's tripe!
Whingeing films like this decay young kids' minds.
This is only screened for the guys.

Now when a beer's got too much foam,
It's composed of some testosterone.
The fat content triples from cream.
A lacrosse game for the high school team.
May impose a problem with Christine.
(Or whatever dame #4's named.)

Oh, and while old Finch seems broken now,
The best's to come, my horny pal.
A poolroom's what you've yearned.
Who'd predict such a turn?
And while Shannon E. is quite a fox,
Some other lasses light some sparks.
These teenage urges, what a lark!
This ploy to woo tonight.

We are thinking,
Why hire this 'American Pie?'
All this dating, procreating,
Masturbating? Goodbye!
And Oz's voice is frickin' prissy, alright!
Renting this'll be a waste of my time.
Dismal photoplay, T.M.I.

Well the fellas are a bunch of dullards.
The girls take off like a hail of bullets.
'8 Mile' chides their lack of tact.
This band of pals are so crass.
These playaz trying hard to score some ass.
Lose their chastity by night time, do it fast.

But the prom night simply reeks of gloom.
Violins and a death march or two.
The thin plot nears its end.
And endeavours denouement!
Now the guys realise mistakes and feel,
That f***ing aint that big a deal.
But then they all get with females.
Enjoy their wooing night.

This slop is stinking,
Why hire this 'American Pie'?
Guess the message of this mess is
That undressing is fly;
That all young boys must stick it quick by prom night?
And Finch'll kiss Janine who's aged forty five.
MILF'll be the status acquired.

Oh, and we return to see our twits.
A year's reunion since they split.
With their minds still involved with 'it'.
Vacation! Kevin, Jimbo, Oz and Finch.
And crass prat Stifler earned a hitch.
More Pie? Will this ever, ever end?

More lameass instructions to get laid.
Jim's band camp pants constrict his play.
Can't play the trombone well.
Wants mating tips from Michelle.
Their old relationships enter new strife,
Just like Jim's rather sticky night.
Masturbating with glue? What a sight.
This sequel piece of pie.

And I'm thinking,
Why, hire more 'American Pie?'
It's the second of these frickin'
Films of sex with these guys.
There's lezzo toys and quid-pro-quo stripping time.
Fair dinkum, this is more depraved than what's prior.
Sequel must be craving vile jibes.

That foreign girl, (Jim taped her boobs.)
Has been asking for more 'slapstick' moves.
But Jim's crotch shies and shrinks away.
(Oh, Finch prepared his naked core.
The other two losers talked some more.)
But the main point is that Jimbo got his dame!

And then comes 3, film critics scream.
Another Pie? Man, you know it's lame.
Our clumsy nerd's proposing.
Wedding bells? *gagging, choking.*
And his three men must hide the host,
Cuz Stifler wants ladies outta clothes.
In short, saves the day. What a joke!
Hooray! We're through! Goodbye!

What were they thinking?
Die, die, crass 'American Pie'.
Got your DVDs and heaved 'em
To the pavement outside.
If I had the choice, I'd get my memory wiped.
Heck man, it's degenerating my mind.
Drivel-filled American Pie.

What were they thinking?
Die, die, crass 'American Pie'.
You just revelled in teen genitals
Such drivel's reviled.
What of good old films that dealt with mystery of life?
Thickheads, this has been a waste of my time!!!

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.2
Overall Rating: 4.2

Total Votes: 30

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   3
 2   3
 3   0
 4   4
 5   20

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Kristof Robertson - May 12, 2005 - Report this comment
American Pie....Eugene come no one's thought of this before? Inspired, Luke. I've yet to tackle frankly scares me. 555
Rick C - May 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Bravo, Luke! 555
Red Ant - May 12, 2005 - Report this comment
LOL, I didn't even realize this was about the movie until the end. 555.
karen - May 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Good one Luke
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - May 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Kristof, on further investigation, it HAS been done before, by Chris BodilyTM. What's hilarious is that the URL is What's even more hilarious is the fact that this must mean there must be a SECOND person who has parodied a 1970's Britney Spears song.

Thanks Rick C, Red Ant and karen!
Stuart McArthur - May 13, 2005 - Report this comment
wow, both for the parody, and for the fact that I can understand it - are you the real Luke Brattoni? - I won't go out on a limb like karen did, but I will say this is brilliant stuff - 555 (and a bonus: now I know what scares Kristof)
Peregrin - May 13, 2005 - Report this comment
I am gonna be verbose like Karen :) Good work Luke, excellent!
Kristof Robertson - May 13, 2005 - Report this comment
Lots of things scare me, Stu.....being sodomised in a Turkish prison, Geri Halliwell, Morris dancers and IKEA flatpacks, to name but a few.....
Stuart McArthur - May 13, 2005 - Report this comment
....and yes, folks, there we have Kristof halfway towards his next parody "these are a few of my scariest things" - so how about you write all the verses, I contribute one gag, and we'll call it a collaboration??
Kristof Robertson - May 13, 2005 - Report this comment
By the time you've come up with one gag, McArthur, I'll have written another 10 parodies...;-)
2nz - May 13, 2005 - Report this comment
And you tackled a K2 while I managed to miss it first day. Great work, Luke. The farce is truly strong with you
Stuart McArthur - May 13, 2005 - Report this comment
...ah, but Kristof, you only get to choose one of them for SOTM - that's where we mere mortals get the last laugh ;-)
N0 56279 - May 17, 2005 - Report this comment
Great work Luke, I tried doing a similar parody once and gave up after about three lines. Incredible that you got through the entire song.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - May 17, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks, N0 56279. But why not reveal your true name: N0 56386!
Johnny yoDa - May 20, 2005 - Report this comment
Hmm!! Impressive this parody is, Young Brattoniwalker.
Tibbygirl - May 24, 2005 - Report this comment
My moment to brag: Chris Klein went to my high school. I know, I're jealous.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - May 24, 2005 - Report this comment
What? In 1989?
john ulvang - August 10, 2005 - Report this comment
Pure Genius. 555
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - August 10, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks ulvang!
Cat - February 12, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM Wild Card 05) Never actually saw the movie, but this was great stuff. And just out of curiosity, do you happen to know why EmiLoca hasn't been writing much as of late?
Luke Brattoni - February 12, 2006 - Report this comment
Haven't seen the films? Lucky you!
I expect poor Emi has simply been swamped by a laborious schedule of scholarly pursuits, musical commitments and possibly a strange myth known as a 'social life'.

Or, ya know, can't be bov.
Adagio - February 12, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM Wild Card 05) Good parody.
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - February 13, 2006 - Report this comment
More enjoyable than the movies themselves, though I've yet to see #3 (my brain didn't allow the body to go to the theater when it was up).
Agrimorfee - February 13, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM-Wild) Well, goodness. You cleverly managed to cover the entire series (of course, now you have to do a followup verse for the totallyt irrelevant DVD-only release "American Pie: Band Camp") in 5+ minutes.Yet this is so sadly mis-paced for me, plus so many questionable rhymes. You get a high rating from me for content, but knocked down a few points for style.
John Jenkins - February 15, 2006 - Report this comment
Excellent parody. You deserve a lot of credit for coming up with seven different hilariously appropriate choruses, and I particularly enjoyed the truth and humor of the last chorus. A lot of other great lines, too, "only screened for the guys" stood out for me.
bobpiecheese - February 16, 2006 - Report this comment
(WILDCARD) Yet another fine, well-paced and hilarious parody to add to Luke Brattoni's collection. Nice to know he's an Australian, unlike all the YANKS on this site. So far that's about...5 Aussie parodists. 1's only done 2, another's done 5 and is my little brother (The Fire Knight (who likes chicken)), then there's Luke, Kristof and me.
Luke Brattoni - February 16, 2006 - Report this comment
^Actually, Kristof's a traitorous pom now. There's Stu McArthur, AussieBullDog and, of course, Azza & Nazza... and some other I can't remember at the moment.
Stuart McArthur - February 16, 2006 - Report this comment
there's also Green Bloodied Hound Dogs, and "Troy - proponent of the bumcrack," Luke - bobpie: I didn't know you penned parodies under the Southern Cross, with a sprig of wattle in your hand - welcome aboard
Matthias - February 17, 2006 - Report this comment
Wow!!! This was so amazing!!! I never seen the films, but after this parody I don't think I need to... it told of the whole entire series!!! This deserves to be the top pick in my Wildcard desicion!!!
Stuart McArthur - February 18, 2006 - Report this comment
(WILD) one of your best, oh wombat compatriate
Red Ant - February 19, 2006 - Report this comment
(WILD) See above and still very funny. I believe there are only maybe 6 AP parodies here that vary all seven choruses, so more kudos for that. I'll have to second Agrimorfee's comment about some of the rhymes, but "All this dating, procreating, masturbating? Goodbye!" was perfect.
Phil Alexander - February 20, 2006 - Report this comment
Having not seen any of the American Pie movies, may I say a big "thanks", Luke, 'cause now I reckon I don't have to. :-) - February 20, 2006 - Report this comment
I swear I commented on this before. Maybe it got deleted because I went a bit too far in describing that great photo of the original American Pie babes in red, white, and blue bikinis. I won't make the mistake again of going on and on about that photo, but it's great. Really. You should check it out. Allyson Hannigan, Shannon Elizabeth, Tara Reid (pre-implants), and Mena Suvari. In bikinis. Red, white, and blue bikinis. Not that I'm enough of a geek or lecher to know them all by name or anything. Or to, you know, blather on about their photo in a public forum. But it's awesome. I'm not kidding.

Where were we? Your skillz with the language are extremely impressive, Luke. I generally don't care for parodies that try to match the sound of every syllable in the original; they usually end up as incoherent messes. But somehow you are able to make it work. I don't know what you're planning to be if/when you grow up, but I have little doubt that you're gonna get rich and famous in the creative arts.

Fave line: "Renting this'll be a waste of my time." And did I mention the bikini photo?
Mikey Squirrel - February 25, 2006 - Report this comment
WILD- I have seen all the 'Pie' films, and even though American Wedding was a little too fluffy, I still think they are good old fashioned, horny-teenager fun. Good job on a classic long song.
Larry Hensley - February 26, 2006 - Report this comment
(Wild) I didn't know it was about the movie until I saw the quotation marks. Very good parody!
Johnny D - February 26, 2006 - Report this comment
(WILDCARD) See what my little green alter-ego had to say above!
Scathe - February 26, 2006 - Report this comment
(Wild Card) This comes across as an obvious spoof topic for this OS, but is still well written.
Arwen - February 26, 2006 - Report this comment
Wildcard...the funniest thing is that, in spite of all the disdain directed at the films, you've clearly watched them all. Perhaps more than once, Mister. Or...the funniest thing might just be the parody. It's a toss up...; )
Cat - March 03, 2006 - Report this comment
(2005 SOTY) See above! And now that I've compared the lyrics to a recording of the original, the rhyming pattern is indeed very clever. =)
Claude Prez - March 05, 2006 - Report this comment
Great idea, very well executed. And since I've only seen the first movie, this was a perfect way to dispense with the sequels so thanks for that.
Red Ant - March 05, 2006 - Report this comment
(2005 SOTY) See above!
Adagio - March 06, 2006 - Report this comment
(2005SOTY) Good one
Agrimorfee - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment
(soty 06) see above
Tommy Turtle - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment
"Flute solo" ... the girl at band camp heh heh heh. other than that, can't add to what everyone else said. wow...
Jeff Reuben - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTY: Well done song on a tough OS! Funny stuff. - March 26, 2006 - Report this comment
Another reread and I'm still very impressed, Ralphing Luke. With all of your work, actually. This time I'll echo Kristof's enthusiasm with the "Levy" catch. Also, there's this bikini pic I'll have to tell you about at some point.
Luke Brattoni - March 30, 2006 - Report this comment
Not that I'd be that much of a loser to actively hunt down the aforementioned picture or anything...­_pie_bikini_1.jpg
2005 WILD CARD ROUND - April 09, 2006 - Report this comment
Third Place,16916.0.html

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