A long long time ago, I can still remember
When I’d leave the house without a care
You COULD-n’t reach me? No big deal
In fact, it had a slight appeal
That people couldn’t find me anywhere

But anymore my heart’s a-shiver
Did I forget? I start to quiver
Stranded on the doorstep
Can’t even take one more step

Won’t live if I’ve left it behind
Need my iPhone with me, ‘cause I find
N’-MO-pho-bi-a’s trapped my mind
And left me terri-fied

Yes I - I’m totally terrified
Check my pocket, oughta lock it
In a belt on my side
Find simple joy in disconnecting? Not I!
“No ser-vice”’ll be the way that I die
That could be the way that I die

And I’m prone to push and shove
Or at least put on a boxing glove
If I see a teen, ya know
Oh, when I’M out on a mid-day stroll
Ad-O-les-cents just freeze my soul
IF I see them, the other way I’LL GO

I’m e-PHEB-i-phobic at the gym
I’m a-FRAID of youngsters where I swim
I ex-er-cise at home
Where those kids cannot freakin’ roam

If you’re a creepy teenage broncin' buck
Will you please avoid me in your pickup truck
‘Cause I see you and with fear I’m struck
Yes, I’m so terri-fied

My ears are ringin’

I – I’m totally terrified
See a minor in a diner
And I’ll usually cry
Those girls n’ boys send all my senses awry
High school kids might be the way that I die
They might be the way that I die

Now I’m not sure when this next one hit
But late-ly I just freak out a bit
When I need to wash my bod-Y
Even though I want to be fresh and clean
A-blut-O-pho-bia’s real-ly mean
What if I re-live that Psycho scene?

I can’t hit the showers – makes me frown
And IN the bath tub I might drown
A sponge bath? There’s no way!
CAN’T keep my fear at bay

Now I’d rather live with bees that sting
Than lath-er up with Irish Spring
I start think-ing about bath-ing
And I’m just terri-fied

Though I’m stinkin’

I – I’m totally terrified
Can’t be flirty if I’m dirty
So I a-void the guys
Soap I a-void and that’s a clear reason why
Filth-i-ness might be the way that I die
Dirty ‘til the day that I die

WELL, I FELT how HOT the air may swelter
I’m STILL in here in my muggy shelter
Temp is high and rising fast
Though it’s enough to curl my hair
Don’t wanna try for some fresher air
Aer-o-pho-bic, so the AC cannot blast

Now it’s always stuffy IN my room
And more so in the afternoon
But I can’t take the chance
OH, that fresh AIR just might advance

'Cause there’s no tell-ing what’s in the breeze
So crack a window? Sister, please!
In heavy air I’m most at ease
So I’m not terri-fied

M’ shirt is clingin’

I – I’m totally terrified
If I breathe it, gonna heave it
I don’t even know why
If you’re annoyed, I hope you know, so am I
What if fresh air is the way that I die?
It could be the way that I die

OH, I see a guy with A clean face
And I can smile and charm with grace
As long as he’s bald on his chin
But when I see some stubble, back up quick
GOAT-ees, they always make me sick
THAT fear’s gonna get me in the end

SO as shadows creep t’word five o’clock
Blood press-ure soars, heart starts to knock
I can’t control my fear
Each time I see a beard

I always run a-way with screams of fright
‘Cause I can’t face that awful sight
I’m po-GON-o-pho-bic day and night
Yeah, I’m so terr-i-fied

Tears it’s bringin’

I - I’m totally terrified
Face is hairy, hella scary
Automatic bad guy
Yeah, scruffy boys should prob’ly just say b’bye
‘Cause whisker burn might be the way that I die
Beards could be the way that I die

I’m happy seeing reds and blues
And so many other friendly hues
But yellow hits a diff’rent way

Can’t look at Big Bird anymore
‘Cause his feathers make me hit the floor
Xan-tho-pho-bi-a set in the other day

You’re eating pie, it’s lemon cream
You’re looking now just to hear me scream
If food is bright and golden
A shriek I cannot hold in

Now the things that used to scare me most
Like monsters, zombies, and bats and ghosts
Are nothing next to bright rain coats
Yes, I’m so terri-fied

Alarms are dingin’

I – I’m totally terrified
I’m a wimp when Homer Simpson’s
Face is caught in my eye
If his little boy and daughters ever came by
Think the sight would prob’ly cause me to die
Yellow things just might make me die

So I’m singin’…

Why – y am I so terrified?
E’vry morning, without warning
Something new makes me sigh
Can’t find no joy in spite of all that I’ve tried
So I’ll stay here in my bedroom and hide