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Song Parodies -> "Why Am I Here, Why?"

Original Song Title:

"American Pie"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Don McLean

Parody Song Title:

"Why Am I Here, Why?"

Parody Written by:

Patrick McWilliams

The Lyrics

Dedicated to John Sr, Brigid, Ezdore, Lyda, Eula, Aileen, Germaine, Antonio, Bob, Dan, Steven ("Tommy"), Robert, Linda, Rich, Ron, Denny, Mike, Stan, and, of course, Marge and John ("Mac")
A long, long time ago
I cannot remember
The year was Nineteen Fifty Three
The first-born son of Marge and John
And for right now the only one
But there would soon be others after me

In November was delivered
The weather cold, I must have shivered
Carried 'cross the doorstep
Was yet to take my first step

As babies do, I must have cried
A meal or change, not specified
Both made me feel so good inside
I was my parents' pride
So

My, my, I'm a real '50's guy
Started walkin', started talkin'
Just a couple feet high
My favorite toy was the tractor they'd buy
"Gotta have one like my cousin's" I'd cry
"Get me one like Jerry's", I'd cry

I soon learned the love of books
And classmates gave admiring looks
When the teacher called on me
I always got the answer right
'Bout astronauts and satellites
And German fighter planes from World War Two

But I never had much love for gym
My athletic skills were rather slim
If I took off my clothes
My bare legs and my kneecaps froze

I was a pre-teen grade school science geek
Who was living 'cross the street from Jersey Creek
I went to church most every week
And ate my bacon fried
My veins were clogging

No good, what some people call food
Picky diet, wouldn't try it
In a skeptical mood
My peculiar rules I was apt to apply
I was afraid that I would get sick and die
Afraid that I would get sick and die

After eight years, I would graduate
An exclusive high school did await
But, it's not how it ought to be

When the bullies came for their favorite prey
The instructors looked the other way
Bastards quickly set their sights for me

Some disturbing things were happening
A man shot Martin Luther King
All calls for peace were spurned
Then Kansas City burned

I read the paper and watched TV
The worst among us running free
And we sank into anarchy
The day the '60's died
We were mourning

Why did Bobby Kennedy die?
Charismatic, fans ecstatic
They supported this guy
He was good, and young when bullets started to fly
Got to tell another hero "Good bye"
Tell another hero, "Good bye"

No AC, our family would swelter
When storm winds blew we all ran for shelter
Stood against the basement wall

Hailstones landed on the grass
We all prayed the funnel cloud would pass
And not leave us in a pile of broken glass

By now I'm in a different school
And met a different class of fool
Learning, I had the chance
Lots of words from Spain and from France

There were soldiers forced to take the field
The enemy refused to yield
Outrageous secret plot revealed
But still, the soldiers died
We start protesting

Flames fly in America's sky
War recruiting, air polluting
As fouled waters flowed by
Our leaders, crooked, well they hadn't a clue
Just what the hell are we gonna do?
What the hell are we gonna do?

To a local college went that fall
The food there was the worst of all
Each week went home to eat again

At learning French and Spanish I was quick
Not so good at Arithmetic
To firearms my interest would extend

Someday I'd rob a bank and stage
When Wild West shows were all the rage
I had to wait a spell
New town I came to dwell

And on another cold November night
A giant freighter slipped from sight
I heard witches cackle with delight
The day Fitzgerald died
I started writing

Cold, cold, Indiana, I'm told
Folks who live there in the winter
From a different mold
I was young and fit and at walking I'd strive
Thinking, "This will be the way I survive"
"This will be the way I survive"

I met a girl while on my own
The name she bore was hers alone
An evil spell she cast on me

At yard sales or a boutique store
She bought it all and wanted more
But at last the time came when I couldn't pay

Have a university degree
It's in unemployability
Depressing words were spoken
Economy was broken

All the good jobs I enjoyed most
Went bankrupt and gave up the ghost
I'd saved some money, I could boast
One day, I almost died

I started screaming

"Pain, pain" soon became my refrain
Need a spare part for my bum heart
Searched my leg for a vein
Those docs and nurses gave their best college try
Hoping this won't be the day that I die
This won't be the day that I die

I was thinking

"Why, why am I still here, oh why"?
It's a question, existential, to which there's no reply
Got songs to write and a few new things to try
Long before I say my final good-bye
I expect people will spend years trying to analyze the meaning of these lyrics and publish their speculative conclusions online. I'd also like to recognize some literary influences: Stephen W Meader, whose "T-Model Tommy" introduced me to exciting and educational fiction; Garner Ted Armstrong who showed me that there is a divine purpose behind world events. He also affirmed some of my weird eating habits. And Ayn Rand, who shaped some of my views on personal liberty and the role of man's unfettered mind in the advancement of humanity. Armstrong and Rand, by the way, should not be followed as examples of how to live one's personal life. Both made a bloody mess of theirs.

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