A few short weeks ago
I was feeling hungry so I thought I'd go and grab a bite
So I wore my Steve Jobs t-shirt
And went to buy a sweet dessert
A pie as giant as my appetite

But my best judgement made me cautious
I should eat something more health conscious
But that thought would soon fail
As all the pies were on sale

I took one home and opened wide
And I shoved that pie down deep inside
It made me feel so satisfied
But then, that night I cried

Oh my, my, what a huge apple pie
From the deli to my belly
Now I think I might die
And I ate it all and kissed my diet goodbye
Now I'm gonna need a bigger pants size
Gonna need a bigger pants size

Did you ever eat so much
That your colon backed up full of sludge
And you moaned and groaned a lot
And did you believe some sort of pills
Would cure you of digestive ills
But then you find out that they don't do squat

Well, I knew I made a big mistake
When I cramped up with a bellyache
I was in so much pain
That I thought I might pop a vein

I was considering a call for help
'Cause no matter how I moved it made me yelp
I should have had a bowl of kelp
Instead of all that pie

I started singing
My, my, what a huge apple pie
From the deli to my belly
Now I think I might die
I ate it all and kissed my diet goodbye
And now I'm gonna need a bigger pants size
Gonna need a bigger pants size

Well I staggered back into the john
Where maybe sometime before the dawn
I'd get that pie to exit me
Many hours passed while I waited there
'Cause I didn't dare go anywhere
Not until my gut was apple free

Oh, and while I sat there feeling ill
I wondered, should I write my will?
Oh what a way to go
Found deceased on the throne

But eventually there was no doubt
That things would soon start working out
But still I had to scream and shout
Why did I eat that pie

I was singing
My, my, what a huge apple pie
From the deli to my belly
Now I think I might die
I ate it all and kissed my diet goodbye
And now I'm gonna need a bigger pants size
Gonna need a bigger pants size

Holy Moly on a ravioli!
Relief at last, but so very slowly
Straight up, I won't repeat that day
It's never a fun affair
To blow a pie out your derriere
My intestine was in total disarray

So it wasn't hard to shun dessert
If I saw pie my stomach hurt
I ate my vegetables
Oh, and I stopped when I was full

Gingerbread and chocolate cake and things
All brought up thoughts of vomiting
As I recalled my suffering
The day I ate that pie

I started singing
My, my, what a huge apple pie
From the deli to my belly
Now I think I might die
I ate it all and kissed my diet goodbye
And now I'm gonna need a bigger pants size
Gonna need a bigger pants size

Oh, one day I was back in that place
With lots of pies there in the case
And every one was looking fine
So come on, said the devil in my head
One slice, why don't you go ahead
'Cause it'll put your taste buds on cloud nine

Oh, and as I stared inside that case
A smile grew big on my face
No reason not to try
A single slice of pie

And as I placed my order then and there
The angel in me felt despair
And it told me that I should beware
"Don't eat that piece of pie"

It was singing
My, my, what a huge apple pie
From the deli to my belly
Now I think I might die
I ate it all and kissed my diet goodbye
And now I'm gonna need a bigger pants size
Gonna need a bigger pants size

I ate that slice, it was so good
And I knew there was a likelihood
That I would get some more to go
So I got in the checkout line
And I said "let's make that pie all mine"
While my colon and my sphincter said "oh no"

And once at home, I couldn't wait
I put that pie on a dinner plate
And though it might seem twisted
I just could not resist it

And I ate it all to my chagrin
I guess that pie is my deadly sin
So brother, here we go again
I hope that I survive

And so I'm singing
My, my, what a huge apple pie
From the deli to my belly
Now I think I might die
And I ate it all and kissed my diet goodbye
Now I'm gonna need a bigger pants size
Gonna need a bigger pants size

I'm still singing
My, my, what a huge apple pie
From the deli to my belly
Now I think I might die
I ate it all and kissed my diet goodbye
Now I'm needing to be hospitalized