BYE BYE, MISTAKE-PRONE SAMURAI


Nihon, long time ago
I can still dismember now
That usage - used to make me rile
And I knew if they had no chance
Of English language excell-ance
Ah maybe they'd be happy, force a smile
But February made me shiver
With every lesson I'd deliver
Summer - Oz in full step
I'm freezin' through my whole prep
I laughed, remember, till I cried
When she said right out, my future bride
'David, want you in my side'
Such ways the language died

So bye, bye, mistake-prone samurai
Loved your levity, the brevity was heavy, good try
Them good-bad clauses clinking risky-awry
Singing: 'At the shrimp I play because die.
Many many drinking, kampai!'*

' Did you just say: (ugh!) "Who you rub?"
Sigh! First repeat: "Who do you love?"
I'm your bible. Tell it so!'
'Eh? I'm rub makizushi roll.
What food are you? Cup-ramen bowl?'**
And 'Can you, teacher, one more, please, say slow?'
'Well now, where were you last night, Miss Kim?'
'Boifurendo house - so! I was in him.
Of course we take off shoes
It must please taking off you's!'
I heard this vintage plonkin' muck
In the railway station, in Daihatsu truck
That English grammar demon struck
The way my language died

(I started cringin')

'Nai, nai, Mika, Mariko, fie!
Pronounce heavy just like "hebi"? No not happy - know why?
This crude ol' noise too freakin' frisky!', I cry
'List'ning bristles me, your way makes me sigh
This is how you say that - apply!'

Now for ten years I've taught tense and tone
You can't get blood from a temple stone:
'But that's not "was'd", it's "used to be"!'
Like a jester: ' "Rang", not " I ping-pong'd" (scream!);
Not "What means?" Try "What does this word mean?"
And avoid "Ah so!" Say "Oh I see!" '
'Oh, my blain is panic!' Kenji frowned
'Is my blain panic?': Mai's rebound
The lesson was adjourned
No syntax was interned
And while I recorded choice remarks
They waited for me in the park
For karaoke after dark
No way the music dies

(We were singin')

'Bye, bye, baby baby, goodbye'
'He name's Flunkie Barry? Spunky? Yellow Monkey, hai hai?***
Them girls and boys: Suntory whiskey - you try?'
Thinkin' this'll be my day, next to Mai:
'Sensei, you have pretty blue eye!'

Held her, smelled her, she said 'Why you telled her
My words say off !' And so I couns-elled her
Eight shots high and falling fast
Landed somehow on the grass
I played ace, tried for a forward pass
But my quest for cute pick-up lines didn't last
The night-time air, her sweet perfume
The buskers played headbanging tunes
We found a club to dance
Oh but 'lub' neber stood a chance
'Coz her 'brain was panic', lips were sealed
Spoke Japanese, refused to yield
'Yamato-na-desh'ko' revealed!****
That day our music died

(I started singin')

'Sigh! Sai-sayon-ara sweet Mai
Have you never been to Neverland - why sever our tie?
'Them good old joys are sinking, is kiss-goodbye?'
Thinking sore wa sugo-i itai
Kekkon sh'te, Mai-chan, onegai*****

So and there we were in classroom space
Inebriation, lost no face
It's show time now, let's start again:
'So come on, Tak' be simple, Tak' be quick:'
'I'm car clash, steer-handle stick.'
The pond is swimming in the frog. The end.'
And as I watched him turn the page
My anus clenched. Still at this stage?
My English-no-speak hell:
'How make this spelling spell?'
But as the flame yearned Mai that fateful night:
'We hope that you enjoyed your fright'
They had me laughing with delight
Although love's fuse, it died.

(I was singin')

Bye bye, strict grammarian guy
Swallow standards like oldhanders, think what brand is your tie
Them good old students they will mis-key but try
Singing 'Whistle day by day, don't ask why.
This'll mean your brain will not fry.'

I met a girl named Emiru
She asked Shin 'How long are you?'
And I just smiled and turned away
I walked along historic wall
Where lies Toyotomi's final fall******
But the man there said 'Gomen, we're closed today.'
Narrow streets, the Hondas screamed
And noodle shops, hot water steamed
No broken sentence spoken
My senses were awoken
And I thought about that warrior host
Their mortal life now mere hollow boast
I thought 'The last train matters most.'
That day confusion died

(And I was singing)

Hai, hai, Misses Saki and Kai
English messing with my blessing, not distressing this guy
You good girls/boys are thinking crisply, my my
Singing this'll be the way keeps me high
To communicate, that is why

(We were singing)

Fly, sky, little Yumi and Dai
Express any, words are many, yes again-y you try
Some good ol' noise, yes I'm insisting - not shy
Second-language kids,whizz kids, bye bye bye

original recording here.