I was drivin on home, was a long day
Passin a long-finned old Chevrolet
Ready for the weekend got twenty-four beers read-y cold

Just as I crossed the Miller County line
I heard those si-reens start to whine
And I viewed that mess, steel piled all around, too slow

I can't wait for that, would take me all night
So I made my own detour there to the right
And I passed some cars on the shoulder on a whim

I went too far man, no good and then it got bizarre
Truck broke down in front of this funky car
Temp gauge at red, pegged, boiling point, all was lookin grim

I shook my head and threw down my hat
Just had some work done on this dirty old rat
And don't you know that my old cell phone went dead, it was done

Another thing I wasn't glad to see
I had a look around the place, it's the 'hood, then who's he?
This dude looks disgustin, he's starin, talkin on telephone

Had a no clue dumbass clown look on his face
Kinda like he's thinkin I'm from outer space
But the truth is, he's the one *out there* 'nother planet, don't you know

I thought, now I'll just stay right where I'm at
And I didn't really feel like a darn fool chat
Was just as well, didn't hear anything else but "Yo"

Was some racket that I feared it spewed vile from his car
And he wears enough gold to be a Fort Knox czar
He makes peace signs, wears sag jeans, the hardcore faux, oh Lord

He looked at me, what a damn queer sight
I'm undecided whether he's black or white
But I gave up gettin help from this dude, tellin you for shore

Just then he got wise "Get outta here, Jethro brim
You be a fool, I'm Hip Hop Slim!"
Pounds on his punk chest, damn dumb fella with gold teeth

I said, "Hip hop? You a bunny hop rabbit, son?
Slim? Is that how your big ho bitch gets done?"
And when I spoke, saw that anger spout from underneath

Slim said, "Yo! Back off Jethro, man that be bringin a fight
Be bust yo' Lynyrd Skynyrd ass and put out yo' lights"
I shoulda known it would rile Slim but my mouth just wouldn't stay shut

I just started laughin, it made him cuss and kick
Knew I better cool him down with my trusty old trick
So I just reached out and kicked Slim Hip Hop right in the nuts

Well he let out a yell sounded like a bear
And before he could move I grabbed on his hair
I said "Watch it homes, 'cause I'm a severely desperate man!"

"I may not show it but I'm a real spy
I'm an over-under bookie for the FBI
And I've been sent in here for shakin down the Wu Tang Clan"

He was still bent over to a painful degree
I flashed him a badge, came from a box of cereal for free
And I laid it on thicker pur-pose-ly to cir-cum-vent

I said, "Would you believe that I have gone as far
As tearin people's faces off and put 'em in jars
And I've floated more forgeries, burned more doc-u-ments"

"And I'm no friend of you lame-brained, hippy-hop, bling-soaked sags!
I'm thinkin' you even need to pack your bags
When the sun goes down, get the hell out of Dodge"

"You're a fake and an ass, think that you're wise
You sure look dumb and that ain't no disguise
And you better mind or your teeth will soon be dislodged"

Some dudes started gath'rin all around me and him
And then one of them said "What be the four-one-one, Slim?"
He started to talk but I whispered, "I'll give you the knife"

I said "Faithful followers! I'm Brother John Virgin!
Your homie Slim and me have just been conversin
I sense you've a need that we all have, to have some meanin in our life"

Then I started sayin somethin 'bout how they were all blessed
Knew I had to make a way out of this mess
So I gave it all I had and hoped that I didn't run out of luck

Shoved Slim at the crowd to give me some slack
Jumped up in my truckbed with my Harley in back
Cut the straps with my knife, double time, hopped on and fired that mother up

Man I'll tell you now that old bike sure is loud
I gunned it even louder when I passed that crowd
Runnin left and right they were lookin like the keystone cops

And I guess I wanted to have some more fun
And I didn't see none of them with a gun
So wheelin around I screeched that big hog to a stop

Well they headed for me now, but I showed some brass
Waited till the last second then gave it some gas
I was runnin circles around 'em and throwin dust in the air

Oh my, I hated to leave my old truck there with 'em
Even worse was the cold beer, those bastards would get 'em
But I figured I could always buy some more and that old truck been showin' wear

So I hit the road and I popped a wheelie
Man I was flyin and Slim was squealin
And I drove all around till I could figure out where I was

I think it really was quite the trip
I'll love to see their faces when their ass gets whipped
When I go back next day, with paroled in-laws