Haskell's smile is numb
Sneer and frown therefrom
The teachers don't tease the beaver
Nor do the kin, the chums or the neighb's
Oh, he should be like they are

Come on, Eddie (Don't tease the beaver)
Eddie, stay thy hand (Don't squeeze the beaver)
Don't be cagey or sly (Don't peeve the Cleavers)
Eddie, ice your plan

La la la la la
La la la la la

Wally's life is junk
Peers are clowns and punks
Cronies known for goofiness
Are the spreaders of perversity (Phony blokes, unruliness)

Mornings, June is in the kitchen setting plates (Likes rolling dough while in a dress)
Mornings, Ward is at the office never fazed (He defines nattiness)
And brother Wally's with his coach getting plays (He could be a great star)

Come on, Eddie (Don't seek the beaver)
Eddie, waive the clam (Don't tweak the beaver)
Don't be tasting the pie (Don't freak the Cleavers)
Ed, be nice or scram

La la la la la
La la la la la

[Instrumental break]

Lovelorn June just shrugs
Beer is downed from jugs
Dame is smashed, frightful madness
(And) it is clear Eddie shouldn't be smug
Her orbs are pokin' and the skin is clear
This cad just stoops in a fit of fear
His courage pooped, and then she just jeers (Saying, "Don't be this way")

"Come on, Eddie" (Then she has more beer)
And she has some gin (Then she's swatting a fly)
He's shook, battered, in dread he cries (She has benumbed this schmoozer)
She has taken his pants (She has become a cougar)

"Come on, Eddie" ("Don't tease the beaver")