Three's Company's on
Stan won't mow Helen's Lawn
The reasons are plain to think of
(She's old and wrinkled everywhere)
She has a screechy voice
(She's prying and demanding)
Come on Chrissy - don't fear the Ropers
Janet understands - don't smear the Ropers
Jack, they know you're not gay - can't queer the Ropers
It's swingin' 70s LA

Larry's comin' on
To Chrissy, but she's gone
Cindy is their new roommate
She bumps and stumbles everywhere
(She lost a nail in Jack's bundt cake)
She tripped over the Ottoman
(That's Dick Van Dyke)
Said she tripped over the Ottoman!
(No, that's Dick Van Dyke!)
Whatever..
She sewed holes in Jan's dress
Come on Cindy - Stan wants to rope ya
You know Stan's your man
(He's been plumbing a long time)
His wife's neck's stuck in the fan

Jack's souffle is done
Eat before it's gone
Stanley and Helena
Own the complex for eternity
(What about Mr. Furley?)
That's another show
(What about Mr. Furley?)
That's another song!
40 thousand drinks the Regal Beagle made
40 thousand lines that fail Lar each day
Another 40 thou in rent stashed away
So come on, Stanley
(You never take your wife dancin')
You ignore her feelings
(You never take her out shoppin')
You never buy her pretty things
Come on, Stanley - rope in Mrs. Roper

Two plus one is fun
When two gals get it on
Came the last night of hijinks
Of misunderstanding eavesdropped things people said
Then the door flew open and Terri appeared
Larry's chest hair revolted and grew a beard
The windows raised to let Stan get near
Saying, "Where's my rent check?"
([Yawn] Why you here at this hour?)
"Jack, you ain't gay!"
(Why Mr. Roper!)
"You three are lezzies! You know I won't go away!"

So Jan, Cin, and Ter ran to him
(They had taken his hands)
And Stan made them a bargain
(They did him and each other)
And Jack wound up packin'
(Booted out on his ass)
Now he's chased by Lana, the drunken slut
So come on Janet - don't fear the Ropers
Come on Cindy - get near the Ropers
Come on Terry - listen to the Ropers
"You gals and Chrissy - time for Roper Poker.
We'll love and die in LA!"