It was 9 o’clock on a Saturday
My weekend plan finally kicked in
MTS promised me free calls
But only to Saskatchewan

Because ... The cell phone companies are robbers
They’ll nickel and dime you to death
The only way you can afford them
Is by dealing some pure crystal meth

Now Telus rounds up the minutes
So a second feels like an hour
Rogers charges a buck fifty
If you text when you’re taking a shower

Because ... The cell phone companies are robbers
They’ll nickel and dime you to death
The only way you can afford them
Is by dealing some pure crystal meth

Over the crooked Verizon
Fido has just passed Wind
No Kudos to Bell or to Virgin
They all have verily sinned

Because ... The cell phone companies are robbers
They’ll nickel and dime you to death
The only way you can afford them
Is by dealing some pure crystal meth

Avril has a smart phone
So does Drake and Celeen Dionne
Rob Ford would embrace the Blackberry
If he knew how to turn the thing on

Waiting for a cellphone agent
Can be such a tedious chore
I guess it takes a long time
For electrons to reach Bangalore

My cell phone has a feature
To filter out all of the spam
But I really need caller id
So I know who the heck that I am

I just learned how to text message
Alpha and ITAP on one line
IF cell phones really cause cancer
I hope my tumour will be T9

What the heck’s a billing cycle?
What is included time ?
The bills are so darn complicated
I’m too ticked off to come up with a rhyme

Those blackberries are addictive
You'll get an allergic rash
If you try to break a contract
Balsillie will take all of your cash

Driving laws are now hands free
So I put a headset in my ear
I look like a nursing home reject
Putt putting in my old Cavalier

I guess the hands free law is a good one
The prudent correct way to go
The only thing to do while driving is
Listen to that old radio

I once paid roaming charges
Just for stepping out of my car
And how come it costs a small fortune
Just to tweet to a rock superstar

Winnipeg business types are yakking
Teeth chatter on Portage and Main
They’re talking through their bluetooths
Or else they are surely insane

Some cell plans are prepaid
And some are pay-as-you-go
But one things for certain, unlike Cummings Burton
All the phone companies blow

Google is trying to take over
Shoot Apple out of the tree
Remember when we talked to each other
Without using Network 3-G

FINAL CHORUS
The cell phone companies are robbers
They’ll nickel and dime you to death
The only way you can afford them
Is by dealing some pure crystal meth

Blah blah blah blah blah – OVERAGES, blah blah blah blah blah Favourite five blah blah – end
of transmission. Call me !