On the first part of my sales route
I was gaping at all the rubes
There were geeks and dorks and dweebs and newbs
There were guys who breathed through tubes

The first one I met was a man with a pate
That was bare, as a ball
The skin did shine, and the man did whine
That he had no friends at all

I've been through the suburbs with a case of rogaine
With a quota I had to attain
In the suburbs, they are obsessed with their health
And they have a lot of disposable wealth

La, la, la la la la, la la la, la, la
La, la, la la la la, la la la, la, la

After two shakes, of the magic stuff
His scalp began to grow dark
After three shakes, must've been enough
Cause the man began to leap and bark
While his baldness had ceased, now he looked like a beast
That had tumbled off Noah's Ark

You see I've been through the suburbs with a case of rogaine
On a mission to sell to the vain
In the suburbs, the baldies yearn for some hair
And they'll pay big bucks just to grow 'em some there

La, la, la la la la, la la la, la, la
La, la, la la la la, la la la, la, la

After nine shakes, I threw the bottle away
Cause the baldy was now an ape
He had hairy paws and teeth and claws
And a big gorilla shape

A baldy is a furry with his hair underneath
That's a pithy remark, somehow
And when he sprayed her, then his wife was increased
She was even a bigger cow

You see I've been through the suburbs with a case of rogaine
Where the people are outwardly sane
In the suburbs, their feral spirits contained
But it don't take much till the beast is unchained

La, la, la la la la, la la la, la, la
La, la, la la la la, la la la, la, la