How old is she, the gal I'd call Old Rivers?
No one remembers Vinyl Joan's real age
Well, that old trooper's done a heap a' shows
Spent her whole life walkin' on stage..

Lives in a forty room shack in Hollywood
Just like an old mule, that never quits
She made it big like Lincoln said she could
And all that silicone still fits

Started out in stand-up, way back when
And wowed all the crowd with her mind
Now older than God, and still on her feet
Joan Rivers has a tough behind

When her eyes'd droop, and her cheeks'd fall
Old Joan Rivers'd say, "Whoa!"
Botox the brow, give surgeons the reins,
And they'd carve her a face with a brand new glow

She'll say, one of these days
I'm gonna' quit show business,
How they'll weep, my screamin' fans..
Let the key wind down,
My behind sag boulders,
And just rest these wrinkled hands

She got a letter today, from the Lord above
Offerin' her a high class ride
CEO bitch to boss the sky
Says he needs Old Rivers' pride..

She's primpin' up now, at her huge vanity
Applyin' makeup and some new eye shade
So, when you're Heaven bound, way up there will be
Our gal, Joan Rivers, you'll see..

She'll say, one of these days
I'm gonna' quit this business,
Leave 'em weep, my faithful fans
Let the key wind down,
My behind sag boulders,
And just rest these wrinkled hands