Chubby Ted wasn't tall like his brother, Jack.
He lived in a mansion - bedroom in back.
The years did roll by, Jack became the new king,
Ted was left all alone there to do his own thing.

Ted tried to be Jack - He tried, tried, tried.
But he'd never be Jack inside-side-side-side-side.
He couldn't be Jack, nor would he become king.
He worked days as a knight- that's the second best thing.

(Swing arms like a windmill, create massive wall of feedback -
watch out for Keith, do not step on John's bass solo during instrumental break)

Ted tried to be Jack - One day-day-day.
He went to an island - To play-play-play-play-play.
They couldn't keep Ted from the brew he's lapping.
And you couldn't tell Ted that he wasn't the king.

(Swing arms like a windmill, create massive wall of feedback -
watch out for Keith, do not step on Roger's boots while prancing around stage)

They couldn't stop Ted - He drank-drank-drank.
He drove his car off-bridge - It sank-sank-sank-sank-sank.
And then Chubby Ted fled the waters lapping.
Left a live girl for dead - his, um . . . secretary.

Dum-da-dum-da-dum-dum-doo-doo-doo-dummmmmm.....
We saw ya!

(Swing arms like a windmill, smash guitar into massive wall of speakers -
wake up Keith, do not step on smoke bombs while heading backstage)