A short while ago, men did learn to scheme
There was morph'd hybrid animals with screwed over genes
A bunch of crossbreeds, like a perch that yielded pork
Oh, the ugliest of them all was the tunastork

There was green crocogators and Loch Ness sheep
Some lumpy black lambulls and some shrimpanzees
Some cattabats and eleskunks and gerbilternboars
The funniest of all was the pumahorse

Now God seen this fiddlin' by the apes with brains
And He said, "Man's whacked and going a tad insane"
Man said, "Faith and Begorrah, there's something more to do
Plants need re-coding, too"

He made some of them lean shallotaters and palmvetchpeas
Some huckleflaxapples and some limp cranbeans
Some sassagrass and melonshrubs and turnipfernthorns
Don't soon forget dried prunicorns

The Lord, he did swear, did stand there appalled
His minions were playing with HAARP, causin' some strange caterwaulin'
With arcs in the atmosphere, gloom and doom
Man, he called out as gray clouds loomed:

"Good Lord, we've got some mean hurrinadoes, a vortex breach
Some clumpy black shrapnel on a pink sand beach
Some ash and trash and skeletons, our sperm is so deformed
There just won't be more humans born"

The Lord, he looked down on those tribes in pain
Them human forms were dying, ailing, chilled and maimed
Weeping and gnashing while they faced a mauling
"Oh, them silly human forms"

There was spleens agitated and long necks reaved
Some rumps and backs trampled and some lymph glands cleaved
The Lord cried, "Hope no more, 'cause this race, I'm scornin'
And Earth is no place for those human forms"

. . .

My arms started moving, I guess I did survive
Though--true to form--shook up, somewhat crocked but alive
And the liquor I'd downed, it sorta made me drift away
And that's why you never drink with leprechauns on Saint Paddy's Day

I'd swigged cheap ale and Jäger and strong Jim Beam
Some spunky Jack Daniel's and some gin dyed green
Some gnats in vats of Jello shots appeared as I snored
I'm never gonna drink no booze no more