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Song Parodies -> "Help! Survivor's Killing Me!"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:

The Beatles

Parody Song Title:

"Help! Survivor's Killing Me!"

Parody Written by:

Stuart McArthur

The Lyrics

Beatles/RealityTV Challenge: I'm through with Ken, Simone, Lee, Phillip, Beth, that duplicitous dwarf, the whole f***ing Hiawatha tribe, Jeff Probst, Exile Island, our purple buffs, reward challenges, wet flints, immunity idols, and f***ing Tribal Council
Help! I need a doctor

Help! or a helicopter

Help! I really need my mum


When I was in Kazoo Tribe, just the other day
I sorta thought that I’d outlast, and outwit and outplay
But now on Exile Isle, I’m lost and all alone
Shoulda never trusted Ken
and that fat bitch Simone

Help me flee this TV battleground
They can shove that frickin’ idol that I found
AND that challenge where I nearly drowned
Won’t you please, please, help me

And though the daytimes suck, they’re better than the nights
Goddam tarantulas, they’ve got me in their sights
I made alliances, I got too cavalier
And maybe eating Phillip’s rice
was not a good idea

Help me off this godforsaken dump
with its sofa-bed Lee made from a tree stump,
wooing Beth, who’s stupider than Trump
Won’t you please, please, help me.

At tribal council Jeff asked “Do you feel immune?”
“Undoubtedly, coz Ken told me I was this afternoon”
I thought the casting of that gay black dwarf was token
Then he came, and wrote my name,
and now the tribe has spoken

Help me get the f*** away from here
I’ll do anything to frickin’ disappear
I’ll take Ken’s headband as a souvenir
Won’t you please, please, help me.
Help me
Help me-e-e
...although now I look back on it, an All-Stars slot is tempting

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 17

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   15

User Comments

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Agrimorfee - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Sounds like my Big Brother loser made it past the audition here, too, and fared just as well (as expected). Excellent, worth rereading. Perhaps Stu you might have time to create another playlet involving these Beatle TV writers as was done for The Pirates Who Pen Stanzas and Brangelina: The Musical (both of which I printed out and still read on occasion)? You have Broadway musical skills that would make a Tony Award winner blush.
Peregrin - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
How can I not love a parody set to this OS? The fast pace sets a great background for the issues faced by the modern-day Gilligan's Island folk. Simone sounds a charmer. I really like the way you wrapped it all up in the last verse.
Matthias - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
This is fantastic! "Help!" really works well for a situational reality show like this because they really do need help to survive on this crazy island especially dealing with Beth and Simone. I never watched "Survivor" or really any reality show so are these people actual people in the show???
Phil Alexander - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Been way too long, Stuart :-) Great to see you back here & posting stuff this good
Jonathan - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Hey Stuart! long time, no see! 5s
JAB - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
My sentiments exactly!
Claude Prez - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Alright alright already, I confess -- Survivor is the one reality show I used to truly love (well one of them anyway). Like 23 seasons ago. But it sounds like it hasn't changed a bit, and I seriously can't tell if this is hilariously made up or hilariously reported. Whatever; it's classic Stu and great to see you back here finally
TJC - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
Wow! Stuart McArthur--here?! Has the Ghost of Parody Past come to tell me the future may yet be funny? YES! (Great stuff---as always)
Peter Andersson - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
In a Swedish season of Survivor there were two guys that went missing in the jungle for two days. Big drama. Later they revealed that they had deliberately walked for half a day across and over a minor mountain to get to a hotel on the other side of the rather big island/peninsula where one of them had booked a room and ordered food to stuff themselves full with before walking back the next day. Now that was some planning (and hacking of the concept) to be proud of!
Kristof Robertson - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
I’ll be honest, Stu; I didn’t get most of the references (I REALLY don’t watch much reality tv) so don’t know if Kazoo tribe, Ken and fat britch Simone are real or not. However, that didn’t stop me from enjoying your as ever clever writing and unique style. I’m loving being involved with all you great talents again. 555
Jeff Reuben - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
I watched some of the early seasons, one of which had someone flown off. They stopped themselves from falling into a campfire...with their hands. Anyway, great stuff here, a good recap of what has been. Great to see you back, I look forward to more! Like your other submission to start :)
Stuart McArthur - March 02, 2018 - Report this comment
Thanks Ag. I had a reread of both Pirates Who Penstanzas and Brangelina last week - took me over an hour! Those were fun projects but I don't think I've got that in me any more. They're still available to read on amiright under the author names of P.W.P. and Brangelina.

Thanks Matthias - no, I made all them people's names up m'lord. If you watch the show like I do, the names become like your family.

Thanks Phil :)

Hiya Jonathon!

Thanks for the read JAB

Me too Claude, although I still watch it now. I reckon I've only missed a few series. No way would I go on it though - read above for why.

Hey TJC - long time - looking forward to seeing some of your posts - I think I still recall your first one was a beauty

Hi K1 - but wouldn't you though? - my hero was shooting for the helicopter but crossing minor mountains would do the trick too

There's no Kazoo tribe Kristof, or Hiawatha, or any of those fictitious names I sprinkled in, but there easily could be, and there's tribal council alright. AND immunity idols. And reward challenges. And coloured buffs (don't ask). Don't get me started, I love it! It's world politics in a bubble. So great to be mucking around like this again, in't it?

That campfire incident was from series 2, set in Australia, Jeff. May not be season 2 but it was def in the Australian outback. My how our hands went to our mouths when that happened - he passed out over the fire from smoke fumes and had to be helicoptered out - I think that's where my hero got the idea from.
Stuart McArthur - March 02, 2018 - Report this comment
Oops Pippin! Skipped you completely, sorry! Yep, you're right about Simone. What a piece of work! And I don't know why they don't have coconut-powered-machinery challenges in a nod to their obvious inspiration, Gilligan's Island. The Prof would eat bloody Ken up for breakfast. Oh, and Go Tiges 2018!!
Meriadoc - March 02, 2018 - Report this comment
I would give you fives just for "stupider than Trump". :D Great job. - March 04, 2018 - Report this comment
Wait - Amiright suddenly has two lovely new Stuart McArthur parodies on the same day? About Reality TV shows? Set to Beatles tunes? Too good to be true. I suspect Russian hackers. - March 04, 2018 - Report this comment
Also, in case I haven't been effusive enough about your parodies, please know that I'm totally effusing.
Stuart McArthur - March 05, 2018 - Report this comment
Thanks Merry!

Wow, Spaff, great to see you again mate - ta

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