It's not a spread he uses much
Do do do do do do, oh yeah

He's well acquainted with taste of the creamy mass
Like the putty on a windowpane
The man in the store selling Hellman's
That is well beyond it's sell-by date

Jacking with the price while the checker's busy
Working overtime
A faded mem'ry of a sandwich he ate
And donated to the toilet flush

I need a Tums, it ain't stayin' down
Down in the depths where I cho-oked it down
I need a Tums, it ain't stayin' down

Mother, I'm fearin' this gunk will run
Mother, I'm fearin' this gunk will run
Mother, I'm fearin' this gunk will run
Mother, I'm fearin' this gunk will run
Mother, I'm fearin' this gunk will run
Mother, I'm fearin' this gunk will run

Mayonnaise, in the warm sun (bad bad, goop goop)
Mayonnaise, in the warm sun, mama

When I dab you with my knife
And I spread, you on my turkey sandwich
I know, this may cause me bodily harm
Because

Mayonnaise, is like pond scum (bad bad, goop goop)
Mayonnaise, is like pond scum, yes it is

Mayonnaise, is like pond, yes it is...
Scu-u-um (mayonnaise, bad bad, goop goop)
Well don't you know that mayonnaise (mayonnaise)
Is like pond scum, mama (is like pond scum)
Bleahhh