Ol' Billy Mays is well-renowned for hawking lots of stuff
from Liquid Diamond for your car to Orange-Glo
He can sell ice to an Eskimo
from an Arctic floe.

Back at home there is a car in need of bodywork
We'll try some Fix It Scratch Remover on the paint
Billy's never gotten one complaint
that he's ever heard, not a word

Billy Mays grates on my ears and hurts my eyes
Everything he sells should have a prize
inside, like Cracker-Jacks

Now Billy Mays installed a cactus for his octopus
He says it gives the creature's fur a healthy sheen
If it turns an ugly shade of green
He's got Oxi-Clean

Billy Mays grates on my ears and hurts my eyes
He's just a robot in disguise
incessant yack yack yack

You're now on every single station on my cable guide
But out at PBS there's money you could make
if you can catch the audience awake
during their pledge break

For Billy Mays this has to be the highest compliment
to have your name inside a Beatles parody
It's one I'm more than glad to pay
to Billy Mays, on his dying day

Billy Mays, I thought I'd won, but I was wrong
You got product placements in my song
They slipped right through the cracks

Billy Mays I'm sure that some folks found you dear
I'm just glad I'll never have to hear
Billy Mays