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Song Parodies -> "Paper Bag Lighter"

Original Song Title:

"Paperback Writer"

Original Performer:

The Beatles

Parody Song Title:

"Paper Bag Lighter"

Parody Written by:

Stan Hall

The Lyrics

Has anyone here ever actually pulled this stunt? :-)
Paper bag lighter! (Paper bag lighter!)

I can tell you, kiddies, cause I wrote the book
on how to fix a neighbor who’s a mean old schnook:
Match, waste (use a shovel) in a sack’s the gear
to complete the job if you want to be a paper bag lighter! (Paper bag lighter!)

By the door, on porch, shove “borrrowed” turds and then
set the thing on fire, do you understand?
Then punch the doorbell, quick, and hit the trail --
you can bet it’s gobs o’ good fun to be a paper bag lighter! (Paper bag lighter!)

Paper bag lighter! (Paper bag lighter!)

After trouncing flames, when neighbor raises shoe
he’ll be mighty sore to see reeking poo
and be scraping dung from sole of Nikes® while
loosing raging sounds. Oh, it’s fun to be a paper bag lighter! (Paper bag lighter!)

If you really like this, do it ev’ry night,
cause it’s très fulfilling and the risk is slight:
if you just leave burning poo and disappear,
there’s no need to quake. Don’t you want to be a paper bag lighter? (Paper bag lighter!)

Paper bag lighter! (Paper bag lighter!)

Paper bag lighter!
Paper bag lighter!
Capr’ing igniter!
I never have actually pulled this prank, personally, but have as deeply into kidhood as memory reaches heard claiming perps' tales. The prank I never had or have heard of elsewhere is the flour fling little "Tootie" performs in "Meet Me In St. Louis." Is that for real? :-)

© Stan Hall 11/12/2008

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Total Votes: 9

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Guy - November 13, 2008 - Report this comment
Yeah - That and about a dozen other stunts we'd pull but never on the street I lived on. Those old Italians had stilettos, guns and junk yard dogs and shot first and asked questions later. Besides, ya never shid where ya sleep. The best part of the burning bag trick was that they tracked it into their house. More destructive was the lighting of cherry bombs by 6 to 8 kids and throwing them up on a roof top only to roll into the rain gutters and if you were lucky the gutters crashed to the ground. We only did this to people who gave us a hard time.

One of the best and most dangerous thing we did, since we had no video games to amuse us was a game called "Hollywood stunt man". At the coal mine where they loaded the train cars was a three sided shack with a board seat around the inside perimeter. In the middle was a pot belly stove that the miners who loaded the train cars would use to keep warm in the winter. It was a wooden frame structure covered on all sides and roof by galvanized wavy steel. On Sundays and days when the mine was not in operation we would get a fire started in that stove using somethng called coke which was a by product of coal produced in the coal fields to burn in the steel mills. Coal was put into what were called coke ovens and baked. The process would render an ash colored pourous light weight rock like material that burned hot enough to melt steel.

We would get the fire so hot in that stove that it would turn red and the stove would appear to move in a molten fashion as it neared melting point. The shack was against a hillside. Oil for recyclying was kept in a very large vat about 30 feet from the shack.

Now the stuntman had to ascend to the roof of the shack and dump an entire bucket of oil down the stove pipe exhaust. The galvanised roof offered cover for about 1.5 seconds after pouring the oil down the hatch. The result was a fire ball that rose about 100 feet into the air. We had to jump through the flames to the ground before the fireball did a 180 after shooting out from the underside edge of the steel roof and firebombed the roof. We did this stunt countless times and no one ever was injured - not even a sprain jumping from the roof.

This parody gives a whole new meaning to the term "bag man". Good one, Stan.
alvin - November 13, 2008 - Report this comment
a most amusing and unique concept....i was always afraid of fire as a kid so i never tried this out
MasonR - November 13, 2008 - Report this comment
Wow, Guy! You were one helluva stuntmeister! Funny parody concept here!
2Eagle - November 13, 2008 - Report this comment
Like the song, it's an oldie but goodie. You must have read my parody of a Beatle record I am Sleeping - I Have Been Tee Pee'd.
Stan - November 13, 2008 - Report this comment
2Eagle -- haven't read that one but will look it up. Considering the author, I expect a good one.
Stan - November 13, 2008 - Report this comment
Thanks, all.

Your inferno-jumping game sounds more like Hollywood Lunatic. OTOH, I do remember thoughlessly participating in lots of kidhood stunts that retrospection titles "improbably survived." :-)
AFW - November 13, 2008 - Report this comment
I remember hearing of this old Halloween prank as a kid...never actually tried it, tho...very good read here, Stan
Tim Mayfield - November 14, 2008 - Report this comment
Oh, you're supposed to use paper bags... no wonder it never worked for me. :-) This parody did work you however.
Christie Marie M - November 14, 2008 - Report this comment
I love reading/singing parodies based upon pranks. I was usually the butt of every prank ever played. Nobody I know has pulled that stunt around me yet, but it seems funny. I'm thinking of writing a parody based upon pranks as well. Great show, Stan! 555.

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