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Song Parodies -> "If I Sell"

Original Song Title:

"If I Fell"

Original Performer:

The Beatles

Parody Song Title:

"If I Sell"

Parody Written by:

Stan Hall

The Lyrics

Based as it is upon a personal memory, this requires some explanation to make any sense at all. One late afternoon during the summer of 1969, as a couple of friends and I entered a convenience store to buy some brewskies to better the evening’s ballgame-watching party, a pair of exiting 12-or-so-year olds pushed rowdily past us clutching bags and loudly cursing the proprietor. Arriving with our purchases at the counter, we ere treated to said proprietor's own angry, air-blueing angry imprecations, essentially as follows: “Them goddamned kids! Every f*ckin’ day they come in here buyin’ whole boxes o’ that goddam airplane glue. Littl f*ckers ain’t making _that_ many models .., I _know_ they’re getting it t’ sniff. Well, I ain’t havin’ it! Not in _my_ f*ckin store! Not any more! I told’em, ‘Startin’ now I’m cuttin’ you little b*st*rds off.’ From now, on, ev'ry time they come in I’m only sellin’em 10 tubes apiece!”

Yeah ... only 10 tubes at a time to sniff. Tho’ the preposterous irony of the this "get tough" solution seemed to us at the time wildly amusing, its parodistic treatment here will probably at most mildly amuse non-eyewitnesses. Also, it renders the proprietor’s concern for the kids’ well-being—if that’s what it was—rather more poignantly that it was actually expressed.

Finally, names have been changed to protect the not guilty. It was a 7-11, not a Quickie Mart and the proprietor, a tall, burly, bearded, 60-ish white guy bore no resemblance whatever to “Apu” of “Simpsons” fame. :-)
If I sell this model glue
by the dozen tubes to you,
I’ll tell you this, young men:
I won’t do so any more.
If you come back to my store
I’ll only sell ten …

In my Quickie Mart,
you two
can just be sure
if you load your cart
with glue,
to sell it I’ll demur.

What I must, I’ll do
to see
you don’t get high.
I’m nonplussed that you
don’t see
it’ll make you blind,
young Sirs,
and will surely boil your brain.

And I,
would feel bad if I approved.
So complain …

But I hope you see
that I
just hope to save you,
and not see
you die
’cause I sold ten-plus tubes.

No, I couldn’t stand the pain
if my
selling you more tubes than ten
were to blame.

So from now on, see,
'cause I
would hate to lose you
don't you e-
ven try
to buy more than ten tubes,

’cause I won't sell more to you.

Not sure something so idiosyncratic was even worth submitting, but what the heck ... I've submitted some odder. :-) Besides, triggered by simply seeing the OS title attached to another recent "If I Fell" parody, this all but wrote itself in a matter of minutes. © Stan Hall 11/07/2008

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 4

Voting Breakdown

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 5   4

User Comments

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alvin - November 10, 2008 - Report this comment
love the parody and the story behind it...too funny
Peregrin - November 11, 2008 - Report this comment
Agree with every bit of alvin's comments! Good work. Love the expose of the guy and store that wasn't named, heh heh.
Phil Alexander - November 11, 2008 - Report this comment
In the summer of '69? (Hell, maybe there's another song in there somewhere). Super parody, Stan :-)

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