[ACT TWO]
[SCENE EIGHT]

{Setting: Slowpoke Farm, Sheep Pen}

(Slowpoke shakes his head and picks up his pitchfork)

SLOWPOKE
"Now I would fire you right then and now, but I need all the help I can get. So go and.."

(An explosion erupts behind Slowpoke)

SLOWPOKE
"What the hell was that?!"

CHET (worried)
"Nothing, I heard nothing"

SLOWPOKE
"Oh it's something alright"

(Slowpoke runs over to where the smoke is bellowing)
(His moonshine shack is on fire)

CHET
"Heh, heh Oops"

SLOWPOKE
"YOU YOU YOU DID THIS?!"

CHET
"Might have dropped a cigar nearby it Oops"

SLOWPOKE
"YOU'RE.. YOU'RE FIRED!!!!"

CHET
"You can't fire me! I'm the only person you have!"

SLOWPOKE
"True, but I can get Kelly down here in a matter of seconds"

CHET
"A girl?!"

SLOWPOKE
"No, a gay guy"

(A bright pink pick-up truck arrives, a man in designer over-alls steps out. Kelly walks over and kisses Slowpoke on the cheek)

KELLY
"Oh my gawd! This place is hotter than Johnny Depp in a Tiki Bar! This farm so needs an extreme MAKE-over! Don't worry I'll get a few of my guys on it and it will look FAB-U-LOUSO!"

CHET
"This is the dern fairy who's replacing me?!"

KELLY (puts hands on hips)
"Is there a problem, cutie?"

CHET
"YES! THERE IS A BIG PROBLEM!!!"

(Chet throws down his cowboy hat and starts singing)

"Kelly The Gay Redneck"
By Matthias

(CHET)
Your mullet has hairspray
Make soufflés from brew, yeah
Confed. Flag you crochet
You're not at all a tough guy
The Fab Five you portray
You's a gay guy ain't you?

Yeah, this pansy's name is Kelly, Kelly
Yeah, this twinkie's name is Kelly, Kelly
Yeah, this fairy's name is Kelly, Kelly

You wear tight woman's pants (Yer Gay)
Liking Brokeback Romance (Yer Gay)
Stare at Chet with that glance (Yer Gay)
Glllllaaaance!!!

Like the "sword" but won't lance (Yer Gay)
Bare foot tap-tap-tap dance (Yer Gay)
Won't giving hunting a chance (Yer Gay)
Chaaaaaance!!!

(SLOWPOKE)
I don't mind that yer gay!
Can bake my raccoon, yeah
You stink of a bouquet
Yeh even have a lisp, guy
You're so far from passé
"Abercrombie N' Hick" suit

SLOWPOKE
"By the way Chet, the police and fire department will be arriving any minute now. I suggest you start running, or enjoy prison. It's been nice working with you."

(The sound of sirens erupt)