Standing at the check-in in Luton
Holy Quran book in my hand
And what I planned to do, is
To read it all through
I should be finished by the time that we land

Christ! You know it ain't easy
And weighs a dozen kg
It's such heavy-going
I only got to page three

Interminable time at the terminal
Why'd Mohammed make it so thick? But..
My atheist friend said
It's gotta be read
If you wanna know how to take the mick

Christ! You know it ain't easy
How damn obscure can it be
A cure for insomnia
It's sending me off to slee...

Working out just what they believe in
Wahabi and Sunni and Shia
So what makes 'em tick?
Why do they give a fiqh
'Bout which books are chosen for the sharia?

Christ! You know it ain't easy
To get on, religiously
The way things are going
They'll have a fatwah 'gainst me

Trying hard to understand my Muslim friends
Checkin' out their holy books
Last night, well I said
The hadith book I've read
It makes the Bible seem light, easy reading - yeah


I'm told that it is different in Arabic:
Poetic and inspiring, inspired
And if that's the way,
Then all I can say
Is the translators ought to be fired

Christ! You know it ain't easy
Translating that poetry
But the way things are going
Best mark I'll give them's a D

Finally gave up reading the Quran
Justify myself that it's fine
Before I take a look
And that damn boring book
They're all gonna have to read mine

Christ! That sure won't be easy
'Cause I ain't holy, you see
Maybe the Hitch-Hiker's
Guide to the Galaxy
Perhaps Terry Pratchett
Or even Clarke, Arthur C