I read my morning paper, and what did I see
A greasy Michael Howard staring back at me
He's got in unopposed- I thought "What the heck?"
Cause I can remember when he was Home Sec

Now he's a
[Chorus:]
Smug-faced reptilian Europhobic Tory Leader
Right-wing smirking - do the Tories really need a
Straightlaced two-faced most-evasive little bleeder?
Sure seems strange to me

I thought "The Tories have gone for Michael H on a whim
But there's no way the country's gonna vote for HIM
There's just one thing that the whole party has missed
He's got the kind of face you want to hit with your fist

'Cause he's a
[Chorus]

But it ain't just his attitude that gets to me
It's his nauseating right-wing philosophy
But I guess that that's the kind of thing the Tories like
There has to be SOME reason that they're going for Mike

'Cause he's a
[Chorus]

But they've gotta get someone to replace IDS
Wasn't HE a lightweight and... d'oh! I digress
Some think Howard's great, and some say he's not
But look at the Tories: who else have they got?

And he's a
[Chorus]

One piece of advice for Howard, if he gets in
Look out for Tories who think you won't win
When they pat your back, you can bet your life
They're looking for somewhere to stick in the knife

Into a
[Chorus]
..Sure seems strange to me..