The Christmas tree lights they are blinking tonight
As home, watching tv, I'm sitting
Outside snow is falling, the grounds getting white
On the ceiling one last fly is flitting
She called, said she'd be shopping late
She's been cheating, can't keep her lies straight:

Don't Wonder Who Her Thing Is Doing Tonight?
Who, while wearing spiked high heels, she's screwing tonite
The candle, at both ends, lately, she's burning bright
Don't Wonder Who Her Thing Is Doing Tonight?
Thinks I'm dumb as Tom Sawyer,
But, I've called my divorce lawyer
Getting legally and eagley prepared

Well, I'll tell you who her thing is doing tonight
Tom Laird! Tom Laird!

You mean with this old bird, boobs now saggin'
Frigid to you, libido laggin'
Gets humpy with the mailman once a week?
Eek!

Tom's one skinny runt, just like the Grinch is
Likely, a dick less than three inches
Beats out my lancer's log of dynamite?
Right !

Brings me certified mail, stammering
Him, I can't imagine hammering,
On my wimpy wife kneeling with arthritic knees,
Please!

Won't wonder who her thing is snapping tonight
Most likely his stuttering tongue is lapping just right
Guess that's what mailmen do, put things in the slot
Special delivery, small package, he's got
When she says "slip it to me" ..neither snow, nor rain, or gloomy
Can keep her mailman from her disjointed pounds!

Tom is who, her gray old thing is doing tonight
He bounds! She humps!
She squeals! He pumps!
Yes, he's, who her thing...is...doing....tonight...