Why can’t my generals be like mustache man’s?
Salute me from parades than run through the square?
Life for hounded me has never been fair!
Military that for me goes to bat
Why can my generals be like that?

I just heard something that I know isn’t true
Some of his generals wanted him dead
And that against him they were plotting a coup
But they loved him, and for him all would have bled

Why can’t my generals follow my plans
Be at my command, be ready to please
When I order them to put on the squeeze?

I do not need them to shower me with flowers
That they’ve bought

But whatever I say I want them to do
Just bend
And cower when they encounter my massive power
Respect!

Well, why can they not be my pet crew?

They’d round up the clowns that were giving me fits
And they would respect me as their Rex
Don’t want to toy with annoying writs
I want a military with muscles to flex

Why can’t my generals heed all my plans
And then do everything that seethes in my mind?
Whatever I’d want, they’d always be behind

I do not like generals who are mellow
Want ’em hot
Ready, willing and able some heads to bust
Clock ’em!

I also greatly respect that Russian fellow
“Nyet!” man
That is turning Ukraine to dust

Why can’t my generals be like that man’s
Be like little dogs that sit in my lap
Be always ready to suck on my paps
Be slavering suckups all set to turn their guns
On whom I say, then buss my buns

Why won’t my generals do what I say to?
Could it be that they are not on my side?
And could it be that they’re part of the Deep State too?
Insubordination I cannot abide

But when I give to them the “Achtung!” command
Instantly into line they do not fall
There must be something that’s wrong with them all
It’s only to me that allegiance they are owing
I just love my fantasy view of history
But they won’t salute me wherever I am going
Why don’t my generals like me?
Why aren’t my generals Reichy?