Your curves are a little bit convex
And since we've been friends, how you've grown
You once were petite, now you're spherical
And weigh in at seventy stone, yes you do

You worry you might be unhealthy
And that you're a little too round
Has it got a bit too out of hand now
That your stomach hangs down to the ground, all around, yes it does

And when you get changed to go swimming
And make your way out of your stall
People wonder: is that a bikini
Or is it Bikini Atoll, not atoll, not at all


[Chorus]
But, Darling, you're not fat, you're cuddly
No, I wouldn't call you obese
Though your BMI is in the millions
And your sweat's 99% grease


If you were to get liposuction
The fat that is taken could run
A medium-sized power station
For a day, or a week or a month, yes it could

You find it hard to receive letters
Don't answer when anyone phones
For you cover large numbers of postcodes
And span nearly three time zones, yes you do

Darling, don't put on that corset
If you pull it tight, you might implode
Concentrating your mass round your anus
It might become a black hole, yes it might, pull in light


[Chorus]
But, Darling, you're not fat, you're cuddly
You're large, but you're perfectly formed
You didn't mean to sit on the postman
It's not as if he wasn't warned, yes he was


When you went to the beach for sunbathing
In the world's largest bikini
Some silly do-gooder phoned Greenpeace
To float you back out to the sea, what a whale of a tale

I know that you worry I'll dump you
And that, if I did, you would grieve
But the attraction I feel's gravitation
And that is why I'll never leave, no I won't

You've eaten your way through a mountain
You've bitten through many a crust
And you've told me that I will inherit
When finally you bite the dust, as you will, yes you will


[Chorus]
But, Darling, you're not fat, you're cuddly
As I serve up another small feast
And google the true definition
...of morbidly, fatally obese, mwahaha, tee hee hee