I'll "hire" you, and "fire" three 5's on your first paycheck. LOL! ;-D Great Job!! 555

Instead of firing three 5's on your first paycheck like I said above, I think it would be better to say "I'll give you a $555 paycheck once every two weeks for this song! ;-) Like I said Great Work!!

This parody is so sad but true. Because my job sucks and I am slacking off a lot too...

Very timely and topical..reflects, very well, the current problems of the working force..Congratulations on your 7th voyage.

Hope something comes through. right now, can only offer fives...

I will ask this also. Is this Mary Poppins trend going to last? lol

Two simple words: "Flipping GENIUS!"

Back for a second shot at the Seven? You must either be a genius or a masochist! Or just maybe you're something much better - a Christie Marie M!

Well done. Relevent for the UK as well. Could be a lot worse with the job, at least it's not minimum wage Mickey D's.

Great concept -- and in today's economy, oh, so true!

Took too long for your YT link to load, but in every version I've ever heard, thre "Supercali..." refrains are feminine-rhymed, as explained in the beginning of the footnotes to this guide to "Maj-Gen";
http://www.amiright.com/parody/misc/gilbertsullivan116.shtml

In short, "A "feminine" rhyme is one in which the second-to-last syllable of a line rhymes with the second-to-last of its mate:

Three once was a man from Nantucket ..."

So the first (opening) chorus shouldn't rhyme on "less", but on the syllable before it. Which would require re-working the whole verse. Something like:

Unemployment's got me down; my life is so pathetic
Got a Baccalaureate Degree; done billing, medic
Though I'm highly qualified, at least, in theoretic
They expect a candidate prophetic and magnetic!

You got that right in the second chorus, so the understanding was there.

Other thing to work on is stresses. Some changed stresses were properly signaled to the reader by hyphens, but consider this main stanza:

My mom had worked me like a dog (OK!)
I FEEL like HER ser-VANT (awkward)
I wished for a place of my own (OK, though if possible, try not to stress "a", "an' or "the")
But I can't AFford RENT ((AFford is a bit awkward)
When IT comes TO gruelING houseWORK (the first two are not ideal; last two, just plain off)
I end up working free (GOOD!)
When WILL I FIND a CAreer THAT's ("career" should stress "-reer")
RealLY workING for ME (same as the others - stress shouldn't be on "ly" or "ing")

Before suggesting changes, two principles: one for this song, one in general:

1) This song changes its stress patterns between choruses and stanzas. Choruses stress in odd-numbered syllables: SUPerCALiFRAGiLISTicEXpiALiDOcious - 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, etc. Or using TT's shorthand from his Pacing Guide,
X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x

Stanzas stress on even-numbered syllables: BeCAUSE I WAS aFRAID to SPEAK
When I was JUST a LAD
x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X
x-X-x-X-x-X

See the difference? OK, general principle in all parody, poem, verse, etc.: Don't be shy about changing word order from the way we "naturally" speak. Use punctuation, if necessary, to clear up any confusion as to meaning. But with this freedom, you can rearrange your lines so that they stress properly:

My mom had worked me like a dog
Like servant, made me feel
A place to call my own: I wish
But can't afford the deal
Such grueling housework, always do
But seems I work for free
When will I find a new career
That's really right for me?

I didn't capitalize the stresses. Check it yourself, and see the difference: the even-numbered syllables are stressed throughout.

More advanced: Reduce the number of words that have to be hyphenated mis-stresses, Mistress ;) by finding other subs:

"Hope some corporations call and set up more appointments" -- scans perfectly without the hyphens.

Minor stuff: "nurse" doesn't rhyme with "life" in its preceding line.

No need to specify the rest. Pretty much the same issues throughout. Maybe take this same parody, and see if you can rewrite it to sing smoothly and rhyme properly?

For now, a funny tale and a courageous try at another B7 by one of relatively little experience. 3-5-4. Looking forward to greater things coming! :-D

Yay! Another Big 7 tune!! I'm only halfway through them myself, with none in immediate sight... so, good for you. You have tremendous and creative ideas, with a nice dose of humor. Just a process of learning the fine art of pacing.

Same score as TT, for the same reasons outlined. But I am really looking forward to seeing your future efforts! :D

Thanks lots, everybody! :)

WCJ - Thanks for firing me 5's on my paycheck! I knew what you meant!

SamMaster - I totally agree with you there! Sometimes work sucks and being stuck at home sucks as well. I always end up slacking off...as for that Mary Poppins trend going to last...it all depends. Only time will tell.

AFW - Glad you enjoyed, and times are still certainly tough!

Mark - Thanks for your support and offer of 5's!

Mare - Nice to see you on the boards again! Glad you enjoyed!

OMR - You know it! Masochist, maybe, genius...not so much. TT's the genius! Either or, I'm very touched y your comment!

Andy - That's very true! I've been working as a telephone sales rep and dealt with librarians lacking budgets purchasng books.

TT - Thanks for your honest v/c as well as pointing out errors in stressing as well as pacing. You're right on all counts. I should've read your pacing guide a lot more or spent lots of time on it. As for the minor stuff, what the heck was I thinking?! Can't believe I didn't notice my lack of rhyme! Don't you mean: "rough" doesn't rhyme with "life"? Anyways, thanks for your suggestion to my lyrics as well as correction! Yes, I'm going to have to rewrite this satire sooner or later. Maye I should've let you edit my work before submitting, no?

FG - I can understand how you agree with TT. he's been writing for a long time so I have to go with him on his previous comment. Other than that, glad you enjoyed this Big 7 tune. More to come soon..

Christie, no, I meant exactly what's written. Let's look at it, while removing the dialog -- because the dialog can distract from keeping track of which line is which in the entire stanza. AND we'll consolidate lines into only four, for our purposes:

So even though I'm working temp That doesn't mean enough
Told not to give up hope Although this life is pretty rough
But maybe if I go to school Yet, it may change my life
Three years I finished nursing school I'm now a full-fledged nurse.

Do you see now? "enough/rough" is perfect. "Life/nurse" is the glitch.

Myself, I always try to rhyme all four couplets in each stanza ('AAAA" rhyming), just to make it a bigger challenge. But TOS *does* rhyme AABB, so you're fine in using one rhyme for the first two couplets, and a different rhyme in the second two. Except that the second two, didn't. :)

Minor point: Done as above, the syllable count is correct all the way through. However, OS lyrics and our parodies do make it *eight* lines, with an 8-6, 8-6 pattern. So going back to proper format,

So even though I'm working temp (8 - good)
That doesn't mean enough (6 - good)

(too short)

Told not to give up hope (6 - NO)
Although this life is pretty rough (8 - NO)
But maybe if I go to school (8 - good)
Yet, it may change my life (6 - good)
Three years I finished nursing school (8 - good)
I'm now a full-fledged nurse. (8 - good)

Fortunately, this is absolutely trivial to fix: Just break up the third couplet differently:

Told not to give up hope, although (8)
This life is pretty rough (6)

See, that was easy! ... If you're not comfortable with the fact that the line break now doesn't match the spoken break or the comma-break that indicates a new clause (after "hope"), then use our old friend, punctuation, as suggested in the first comment. I do this sometimes, to keep the continuity flowing:

Told not to give up hope, although --
-- This life is pretty rough

The dash at the end of one and the beginning of the next line guides the reader to the fact that the second line is a continuation of the first, not a separate sentence or clause, and should be read that way. TT calls this "drawing a road map" (to how to read it). Ask FG - I believe she's heard the term from moi "once or twice" ;)

You don't have to do this too often, only when you're afraid that leaving a word hanging (like "although") might confuse readers. Most of the time, your intent is clear without the dashes. I think it would be fine here without them. Just mentioning it for those times when line breaks appear *too* unnatural for your comfort.

As for editing before submitting, do you remember that I offered to assist beforehand with your Ed Fitz, or any others? Not to write it for you, but just to give feedback like the above, so that it's *your* song and *your* lyrics, with you being sole author.

TJC and I have sent early drafts of several songs to each other for that reason, aside from the two that were actual collaborations. (TJ still insisted that I post them under my own name.) One or two other writers have asked for feedback at times. It's on a time-permitting basis, but hey, otherwise I'd not put my e-mail link at the bottom of my songs. :)

However, I think that at these still-early stages of development, you should try to incorporate as many of these principles as you can on your own, before asking for feedback. Other than that, it's up to you. It's courageous to "go it alone", and it's even more educational, as you can see. :)

I'll bet they keep getting better and better, and yes, do go through that Pacing Guide some more -- and *use it to check your songs* before submitting them. Also, sing them out loud, to a MIDI or over an actual recording of any OS -- that in itself catches many glitches for you. It always does for me. :)

With this kind of dedication, you'll be a super-star really soon! - TT

a little touching up, kind of got lost but good

Very late thanks to TT and Ann! :)

TT - Thanks for the tip the second time around. Never did I feel motivated and inspired my whole life when you corrected me. I like getting good comments, but I also like it when people would give me suggestions on how to write my parody...like what you did by citing few examples on how lyrics should be written. Yes, I will work more harder on it and rewrite this soon.

Ann - As a matter of fact, kinda needs lots of touching up, especially on the choruses and rhymes. Yeah, not one of my best parodies. But glad you enjoyed nonetheless.