Playing too much trombone can destroy your constitution.
To a total breakdown it can make a contribution.
Play too many jobs and you'll be in an institution.
Playing too much trombone can destroy your constitution.

Hum diddle diddle diddle - play on the slide.
Hum diddle diddle diddle - pain in my side.
Hum diddle diddle diddle - scars on my hide.
Hum diddle diddle diddle - I almost died!

Oh it's been more than forty years - since I took up the horn.
My arm bones now are damaged - all the ligaments are torn.
My teeth have an odd angle - I now have the strangest bite.
My old right lung - is badly sprung - and I can't breathe at night! (Oh!)

Playing too much trombone can destroy your constitution.
If you play it badly you will cause some noise pollution.
All the neighbors soon will be demanding restitution.
Playing too much trombone can destroy your constitution.

Hum diddle diddle diddle - sounds like a prop'.
Hum diddle diddle diddle - ears gonna pop.
Hum diddle diddle diddle - Hey! Make it stop.
Hum diddle diddle diddle - Just call a cop.

My tone had all the power of - a thousand fire alarms.
Soon residents for miles around - were getting up in arms.
it terrified young children - and it scared the shell-shocked vets.
And PETA raised a stink - said I was torturing the pets! (Oh!)

Playing too much trombone can destroy your constitution.
If it is your livelihood - you'll die in destitution.
You will do much better if you take up prostitution.
Playing too much trombone can destroy your constitution.

Hum diddle diddle diddle - need a trombone?
Hum diddle diddle diddle - leave me alone!

(Spoken)
Now you could switch to another instrument. But that would put the remaining trombonists on the endangered species list, and we wouldn't want to do that...would we?

(Sung)
So don't expect to get a lot of calls for music jobs.
The only people working are the drums and gee-tar slobs.
But there are other uses if you'll only use your head.

(Spoken)
For example: (Yes?) Last night, I played it in the kitchen and now all the bugs are dead! (Female scream) And it's a darn good thing too. (Oh!)

(Sung...rapidly)
Playing too much trombone can destroy your constitution.
Switching to a tuba never is a good solution.
It is the wrong instrument if you're a Lilliputian.
Playing too much trombone can destroy your constitution!