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Song Parodies -> "The Book That Never Returned"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:

Kingston Trio

Parody Song Title:

"The Book That Never Returned"

Parody Written by:

Jonathan Spurlock

The Lyrics

Dedicated to everyone who has ever worked in customer service, especially with over-the-phone purchases! The song "Charlie on the MTA" is itself a parody of "The Ship That Never Returned", long a popular folk song.
Spoken: These are the times that try our souls. In the course of this company’s history, the customer service agents have always done their best to provide quality customer service, whenever a teacher or any other customer has a complaint about a book or order which is allegedly wrong. Some of them promise to return the wrong book or item, but others will not do this. Agents and employees, hear me out. This could happen to any of you!

(Instrumental introduction, if desired)

Well, let me tell you folks a story ‘bout an order someone handled, one that you won’t believe:
A customer called in, stated something wasn’t perfect, found an error in what was received.
Someone spoke to the caller, said, “We’ll help you solve the problem, no need to be concerned,
“We’ll send you a label, and just put it on the carton, then put it out for a return.”

But did it ever return? No, it never returned, and its fate is still unlearned—(Where’s the carton?)
It may float forever in the transit system—it’s the book that never returned!

Same person called us back and, said, “I have another problem—now what is this charge I see?
“Thought I sent a book back to you, but I don’t see a credit, on the account that goes to me!”
Agent said, “That’s just awful, let me take another gander, and see what is on the screen—
Oh, wait just another minute, I think we have a problem—the book has never been seen!”

Because it never returned, no, it never returned, and its fate is still unlearned (Filled out the label)
It may float forever in the transit system, it’s the book that never returned!

The person said, “That’s awful, and I don’t have my order, so what am I going to do?
“How can I teach my students when it’s time for the classes and the book just isn’t in view.”
“We’ll send you a replacement,” said the agent at the office, “should take just a few days,
“Just let your office know that a package is a-coming, so it gets to you right away!”

But has it ever returned? No, it’s never returned, and its fate was still unlearned (Never got it)
It may float forever in the transit system, it’s the book that never returned!

The book that never returned, oh it’s the book that never returned!

(ring, ring)

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.5
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.5

Total Votes: 4

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   1
 4   0
 5   3

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