When you hear strange voices speaking on the phone
A sure sign to never venture out alone
Public areas give you a chance to survive
These are the turfs if you value your life

Don't run away screaming like some scared sissy
Kick him in the groin instead, little missy
A brick in the handbag, a knock on the head
Here are some ways to NOT end up dead

Refrain from playing sick pranks on some poor geek
And he won't come back a vengeful psycho freak
Don't drink and drive and run over someone
Or you'll have to deal with his grieving son

When out tires wear
Bring a spare's spare
And don't ask for help
Keep all of your tools close to yourself
And swat passersby with wet kelp

So he's good looking and handsome and smart
And he's got love-making down to an art
You hardly know him! Stick to your best friend
And your fairy tale won't abruptly end

And if your housemate wants to idolize you
Find little things that will make her despise you
Marry a loser who has no real life
And she won't kill you so she'll be the wife

Hear a strange sound
Please stick around
Don't investigate
What should be the neighbour's cat fooling around
Could want your head on a plate.....