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Song Parodies -> "The Addled Are Now All Gone"

Original Song Title:

"The Battle of New Orleans"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Johnny Horton

Parody Song Title:

"The Addled Are Now All Gone"

Parody Written by:

Patrick McWilliams

The Lyrics

Jimmy Driftwood's musical account of the Battle of New Orleans includes a bizarre incident not mentioned in most history books. I decided to investigate further and concluded that it was just part of a larger pattern.
"We fired our cannon til the barrel melted down
So we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round
We filled his head with cannon balls and powdered his behind
And when we touched the powder off the gator lost his mind"

They heard the shot and PETA came a runnin'
Some activists from Greenpeace just a couple steps behind
They slapped the cuffs on our battery commander
And they forced the regiment to pay a hundred dollar fine

In Eighteen Fourteen we gathered for a fight
And we didn't give a rat's ass for no alligator rights
We whipped our horses, worked 'em to an early grave
Still we treated them much better than we did a Negro slave

They hired a vet to look at the alligator
His tail was scorched and his skull was slightly cracked
It was our good luck that the fine wasn't greater
This was two hundred years before The Threatened Species Act

We left Saint Louie and we set a beaver trap
Listened with anticipation til we heard the jaws go "snap"
This side of the ocean all the beaver soon were dead
Every gentleman in England was a-wearin' one on his head

We fired our guns at a giant heard of bison
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
The shaggy beasts once stretched to the horizon
Now the back of a nickel is the only place they show

We woke each morning and began another hunt
In a kayak with a cannon that the British call a "punt"*
We rowed real close, set the hammer on full cock
Then when we pulled the trigger we would kill the whole damn flock

Big game, small game, we shot without distinction
Every critter, creepy-crawly if it waddled or it flew
We slew them all to the brink of extinction
And then we set our sights on the Native Injuns, too

A rich old man wasn't feelin' like himself
But there wasn't no Viagra on the 'pothecary shelf
He hadn't time to wait until that scientist was born
So he treated his condition with some powdered rhino horn

We built a bomb and they built another bigger
Mutual deterrence was the only way to go
Soon every kook had his finger on the trigger
Now humanity has vanished like the mighty buffalo

Countdown!
Ten, Nine
Eight, Seven
Six, Five....

PETA: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Punt Gun: Large gun mounted on boat for waterfowl market hunting. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punt_gun

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 3.2
How Funny: 3.2
Overall Rating: 3.2

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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User Comments

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Rob Arndt - October 21, 2016 - Report this comment
Explosive animals have been used in war many times and in counterterrorism programs used by the Israelis. But the Jackson alligator myth is just that. Jackson liked to doodle and he liked to draw alligators. Go figure. 555!
Jobeth - October 21, 2016 - Report this comment
PETA is Paranoid Extremists Terrorizing America
Jonathan - October 21, 2016 - Report this comment
I think Betty White's in PETA... 5s
Patrick - October 21, 2016 - Report this comment
Didn't the Army Air Force experiment with pigeons fitted with tiny incendiary devices, intended to be dropped over Japan, where they would roost in out of the way places and start fires? Then there were the Russian dogs who were supposed to carry explosives under German tanks. Dolphins with sword blades to attack enemy combat swimmers.
Rob Arndt - October 21, 2016 - Report this comment
Germans started with massive pigeon recon foiled by British paragrine falcons: http://strangevehicles.greyfalcon.us/Nazi%20Pigeon.htm British tried pigeon bomb. US tried bat bombs bound for Japan, but burned Carlsbad Army Airfield instead! The US had a bomb guided by pigeon. Both the Germans and Russians had dog mines. Soviets ran back to Red tanks! German dogs placed mines and were retrievable. Yes, dogs won Iron Crosses in WW2. Postwar, the Israelis used dog bombs wirh surgically implanted explosives to kill terrorists and of course their famous laser-guided pigeon bombs. They would shine a laser into a window and the pigeon would fly in, remotely detonated! Btw, Germans used zoo elephants to tow artillery and to move downed armor in cities. The USN used armed combat dolphins in both Gulf Wars.
Rob Arndt - October 21, 2016 - Report this comment
This too: http://www.milesriverddr.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/krieghund.htm
Patrick - October 22, 2016 - Report this comment
Ouch!
Carol Davis - October 23, 2016 - Report this comment
There is nothing funny about animal abuse!
Patrick - October 24, 2016 - Report this comment
With the exception of the alligator, which was a fanciful piece created for the original song, all of the examples of animal abuse depicted here are historically factual. To report something that happened is not to advocate it, just to show that these things did happen. Same goes for abuse of slaves and Natives.
Rob Arndt - October 24, 2016 - Report this comment
Hey Patrick, just a note. That movie "USS Independence: Men of Courage" starring Nicolas Cage is on Xfinity in the Movies section already even though it just hit theaters October 14th. I think you mentioned that disaster before. FYI
Rob Arndt - October 25, 2016 - Report this comment
* USS Indianapolis

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