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Song Parodies -> "Find your Benchmark"

Original Song Title:

"Sink the Bismarck"

Original Performer:

Johnny Horton

Parody Song Title:

"Find your Benchmark"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

No long-winded intros today, some may be pleased to know. This one's self-explanatory, inspired by one of the greatest country singers ever, imo. I'd also like to mention, apropos of nothing, I had a great-uncle who went down on 'The Hood'.

World War against obesity in Century 21
The Yankees had the biggest hips, they had the biggest bums
Those saturated fats and carbs were causing heart disease
Washed down with beers and sodas in big tubs: those calories
Well on a cold and wintry night, we don't eat what we should
And every sow and fatman, they knew and understood
Fresh-squeezed fruit juice, pure water, veggies orange and deep green
And when the plates have cleared away, desserts can not be seen

We'll find that vanished waistline before we need a truss
We gotta think of benchmark 'cos our health depends on us
Cyclin' and a runnin', boys, just walk if you're too round
When spy our willies standin' up, we'll know we've cut her down

Big John sat on his sofa, day after idle day
Big burgers, pizzas, fries he's orderin' fifteen miles away
'He's gonna sink apartment' was the fearful sound
But when the crane had winched him out, the cheers went up all round
For six long days and bleary nights Large Lottie didn't fail
She gobbled every morsel till she beached just like a whale
Climb over that fat ocean, some way there's gotta be
We gotta find some volunteers to put her out to sea

We'll find that vanished waistline, banish figure like school-bus
We gotta keep that benchmark 'cos our health depends on us
Hit the weights with cunning boys; girls, spin this scene around
Use your bodies, burn it off, pound by steady pound

My paunch was gone the seventh week as I greeted morning sun
I skipped away from home and felt my life had just begun
Fruit and veggies, fresh lean meat, in modest portions sound
Nixed the cakes and cookies, cheeses, chockies, all cut down
Lots of jealous taunts were aimed by chubbies, thick and fast
They knew I'd hit my bench mark but they knew it couldn't last
Nope, 'Lifeliver the battleship' is just a memory
Every day's a new day, try again, you will succeed

I found my old stick-to-it-ship, now I'm not like Goose Gus
My belt has brand new waistmark and the ladies make a fuss
A cyclin' and a runnin', boys, and walkin' in to town
A work out in the gym, then take a swim, I cut carbs down

I frowned on fast-food take-out; their menus make me cuss
You too can meet your benchmark! Yes, it all depends on us.
The opp'site sex come runnin', find me fun to be around
You might prefer the same one, but the principle's still sound.

original recording here.

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 2

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 5   2

User Comments

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AFW - March 28, 2013 - Report this comment
Right on, there, LL...or should I say, right off...very funny extra poundage parody...flows along pretty smoothly
John Lomain - March 28, 2013 - Report this comment
And that is the battle of the bulge, 555 lbs
Lifeliver - March 28, 2013 - Report this comment
Thanks AFW, John L. Not much interest here - struck a nerve with the BMI-challenged? Still, it wasn't very polished, just a quickie, and I could have done more with it (now he says).

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