i felt the strain a-comin'
my life was near the end
a lifetime full of junk food, cigars and gin
i'd ducked that wholesome livin'
now i'm a man, half-gone
and its plain i need controllin'
but is my will that strong ?

my wife had told me, "baby
you gotta wise up, hon
try to be a good boy
although it won't be fun"
but i've got to have burritos
or i'll drop and die
but all spicy foods are goin'
i hang my head and cry

its tofu, i'll be eatin'
no more chips or candy bars
no alcohol or coffee, forget about cigars
there's no doubt that i'll be bummin'
i know how sad i'll be
all my favorite things, i'm losin'
this plan just tortures me

i've been seizin' up my liver
cloggin' up that heart o' mine
my life will soon be over lest i strive to toe the line
hard, this wholesome livin'
but if i want to stay
guess i'll have to wet my whistle
the diet soda way