"Poor slob, should'nt have looked through the door's peephole
He realized, of course, that he's more safe behind doors
But that's not protection either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I had to try harder?"

If I were a hit man
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dun
All day long I'd target with my gun
If I were a hired man
I'd fulfill ev'ry contract
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dun
If I were a beady greedy hit
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man

Seventeen kids and another in the oven
Not a good time to be shot down
A fine career that he had with room to grow
Now you see he'll be just pushing daisies up
While everyone he knows wears a frown
Shouldn't leave your debts unpaid, don't you know

I'd file a notch each time that I shot each loser schmuck
But never would shed a tear
And each loud "pop" and "crack" and "blam" and "whack"
Simply would mean I could buy more gear
Cause when they pay I'd buy more ammo man

If I were a hit man
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dun
All day long I'd polish up my gun
If I were a shooter man
I'd love to use a rifle
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dun
If I were a beady greedy hit
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man

I'd snuff out life for gold waiting long for the right shot
Wating for the moment when
I get the crosshairs lined up in my sights
You'd see me standing on chairs and pointing little red dots
Boy, what a cramp I'm almost spent
Throbbing pain is shooting up my thighs

The most important men in town would seek to hire me!
They would warn me not to cross them
Saying that it's not too wise
"Can you swim with the fish..."
"Can you swim in concrete..."
Rub out problems that would be my only life!
By then I'd no longer have a choice I would have to go along
Once you hit, you can't quit don't you know!

Once I did hit, I'd live my whole life that way
Just hit on the small time chumps all day
Or maybe I'd be spending my time in jail
And I'd be stuck with other crooks in the state pen, taking showers every day
Praying that some John Doe pays my bail

If I were a hit man
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dumb
All day long I'd kick me in the bum
If I were a caged con man
I wouldn't want to be me
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dumb
If I were a beady greedy hit
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man