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Song Parodies -> "Who'll Get Cancer?"

Original Song Title:

"Who Will Answer?"

Original Performer:

Ed Ames

Parody Song Title:

"Who'll Get Cancer?"

Parody Written by:

Patrick McWilliams

The Lyrics

In keeping with my practice of writing parodies of songs no one else has ever heard of, I offer this comment on the fear mongering among print and TV journalists who have concluded that almost everything causes cancer. Of course, sometimes they're right.
It will kill you! It will kill you! It will kill you!

Canned goods from the grocery store
The wax applied to kitchen floor
Tint you use to dye your hair
Your favorite brand of underwear
Announcer says "Tune in at ten
'cause we won't tell you until then
What might cause cancer".

Side by side two lungs decay
Inflamed by pesticidal spray
There's a blockage in the heart
And soon the mutant cells will start
To overcome immune defense
With all-too-lethal consequence
That is cancer

On a cemetery hill
A marker stands erect and still
A man has reached the end of days
Because a cell-phone's unseen rays
Have struck him down and we cry now
"Dear God, oh how, oh how
Could this cause cancer?"

Deep beneath a choppy sea
Are fish ingesting mercury
With hormones in that red beef steak
Consumers cannot get a break
Fruits and vegetables arrayed
But the stuff with which they're sprayed
May cause cancer

Scared of household products
After what reporters claim?
Are the corporations
Or the government to blame?
Who'll get cancer? Who'll get cancer? Who'll get cancer?
It will kill you! It will kill you! It will kill you!

In the nation's science labs
There's federal funding up for grabs
Pundits prattle without shame
Each unsubstantiated claim
While others rush to hawk a cure
In press releases premature
Who, who will cash in?

Desert test, a mushroom cloud
Background rates above allowed
Other men, reduced to wrecks
Indulged in unprotected sex
And could a diagnostic test
Produce a tumor in the breast?
Could it cause cancer?

Is there hope in primal cells
The harvest of abortion hells?
Or are we doomed from what we drink
The air we breathe or how we think
A jar upon a pantry shelf
Or maybe just from life, itself?
Where's the answer?

Every product tested
Whether volatile or tame
Natural or man-made
The result is still the same:
They cause cancer! They cause cancer! They cause cancer!
They will kill you! They will kill you! They will kill you!

Look up Ed Ames version on youtube. 1960's protest song. Many of those issues are still around, and we're still writing about them

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 4.3
Overall Rating: 4.3

Total Votes: 6

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   6

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

AFW - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
Cancer is a touchy subject..but you've, certainly, handled this in a very entertaining, and acceptable manner....very good..deserves to be in the number one position
Old Man Ribber - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
What Won said! I remember the original and was struck by how much it resembled religious chant. Thanks for a great write! ;D
Tommy Turtle - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
Far too true to be funny -- even when you thought you were being funny. Almost everything you listed *does* cause cancer -- and not "unsubstantiated claims" [1] . Yes, all that''s left, as said yesterday, is chick-pea pitas, and other organically-grown whole grains, beans, nuts, legumes (peanuts are risky if stored improperly), vegetables, and fruits -- all of which have *anti-cancer* properties.

Having lost far too many family members and friends to cancer, this is a good public service announcement: Quit using artificially-scented and -colored food, shampoo, etc. "If it was made in a lab, I don't want it". 555 for listing the dangers, even if facetiously.

[1] Almost fifty years ago, in 1962, Rachel Carson wrote "Silent Spring", about the dangers of DDT and some other pesticides. DuPont, maker of same, and other chemical companies and vested interests threatened lawsuits, wanted the book banned (Free speech? What free speech), and she was called a Communist. (Seth Meyers of SNL: "Really? I mean, *really*!)

A Government panel concluded in 1972 that her claims were correct, and DDT was banned. Shortly thereafter, Carson died -- of breast cancer. Yet today, many of the pesticides -- which were originally spin-offs of chemical-warfare experiments from the World Wars -- are still poisoning us. [2] [2] Many pesticides don't actually kill bugs; they act as birth-control for bugs. Since most bugs don't have a long life span, stopping their reproduction gets rid of them pretty quickly. Therefore, these compounds are similar to estrogen, natural (in humans) and synthetic (in BC pills), and therefore, tend to be stored (*permanently* -- they never leave the body) in the fatty tissue of the breast. Such overdosing can account for the dramatic rise in breast cancer since these things became widespread after WWII. -- and adds tragic irony to Carson's death.

Great parody. Go organic and natural, even in meat. (You don't have to go vegetarian.)
Debon - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
This was a well crafted parody; I shall give you 5's for the educational value of a rather frightening tale.
Patrick - March 18, 2010 - Report this comment
I remember back in the 1960's being warned not to put snow in my mouth because of radiation from US and Soviet bomb tests. Most of my Dad's family died from cigarettes. Obama's mad medical scheme is an even greater incentive to get healthy: there won't be doctors or medicine to treat you if you get ill. Footnote: "Who Will Answer" is an English version of a Spanish song "Aleluya NĂºmero Uno" by Eduardo Aute. Took me decades to find a copy. It is sung as a religious chant. Ed Ames rendition is a bit more dramatic. Glad some of the visitors here appreciated my parody.

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