The college campus looks inviting
The streets have ivy nuance
The houses have an architecture that
Evokes Greek Renaissance
Here comes the dean of the college
He's in a lousy mood
A toga party got way out of hand
And their grades are no good
The brothers plead not guilty
The answer is still no
Grab the bull by the balls expel them
From Fraternity Row

The freshmen going to rush
Giving into intense hype
They want to belong, so they
Become a stereotype
The pledges have a master
He's in charge of the education
And he also keeps the books that read
"Your brain's on vacation"
They all stand for weekly lineups
Where their butts will glow
They will do anything to belong
On Fraternity Row

Pledges on a road trip
They don't know where to go
Riding on the back of a
Hairy buffalo
The purple Jesus is close behind
In various shades of Everclear
The active members laugh at them
While they hold their stomachs dear
Pray to the gods of porcelain
Where all their insides flow
'Cause everyone has to drink too much
Within Fraternity Row

Chapter room is bullet ridden
The kegs are begging to be tapped
The sorority ladies
They cover to avoid bring trapped
All except for Liz and Patty
And the fullback from Notre Dame
Everybody is getting drunk
Or else expecting fame
And the president, he's primping
He's getting keyed up for the show
He's going to the sorority dance
On Fraternity Row

The housemother, she's sitting alone
Festering in such a rage
Because she just found out that she
Ran out of her Ancient Age
She says, why face reality?
My husband, he is dead
She has nothing better to do
And lives in a dream instead
And though her eyes are fixed upon
A TV with snow
She spends her time peering
Into Fraternity Row

Rolo, thinks he's Casanova
Bragging all about his conquests
But appearances seem
More a mirage, than they suggest
One arm looks much bigger than the other
Nose grows like Pinocchio
As he goes off claiming that the
Women never want to say no
Now you would not want to believe him
As he tries to boost his ego
So he can make such a unique mark
On Fraternity Row

Little Sister, she's eager to please
"I give them what they want," she thinks
And puts her pads on both of her knees
In athletic style
In stumbles Big Brother, he's reeling
"Could you do me a favor"
The brothers say," tend to your business, big bro
In good flavor"
And the only sound that's left
After all the brothers go
Is Little Sister giving out
On Fraternity Row

Across campus there's vandalism
There is underwear in the trees
The toilets have exploded
Because of drunk violent sprees
They're binge drinking at the balcony
The brothers do not feel assured
Alcohol and immaturity
Blending both elements are absurd
The brothers are shouting to portly girls
"You are ugly so you should go"
Damage to self-esteem is punishment for going
To Fraternity Row"

Molly and Biff going steady
They are getting lavaliered
Come out round up everyone who
Seems to know more than first appeared
Then they bring them to the basement
Where the hazing will begin
They're tied up and surrounded
And bathed in Gibley's gin
His pin is ripped from his chest
As part of this silly show
Check to see that nobody is informing
On Fraternity Row

Yes, I received your email yesterday
(About the time the keyboard broke)
When you asked what I was doing
Was that some childish joke?
All these brothers that you mention
Yes, I know them, they're quite tame
I had to paddle hard their behinds
And shoot them in a drinking name
Right now I can't see too good
Don't send me no more emails no
Not unless you mail them
From Fraternity Row