With your murderous pouts in the squished and wary lines
And your wisecracked jokes and your stares like whines
And your filtered coughs and your moist behinds
Oh, who among you doesn't think of swearing blue
With your socks and belts collected and stacked
Into neat partitions in the trays as they pass
And you're stressed and chilled as your shape gets zapped
Who among you isn't linked to scary flu

Bag-eyed agents of the homeland
Where the bag-pry process makes a grown man numb
My rare scout knives, my Caribbean rum
Should you see them at the gate
Oh, bag-eyed agents, what's my fate

With their peeks for metal on your beltless waist
And the restless guards fishing through snacks in your case
And their baseless probes of your hollow space
Who among them would wink as he caressed you
With your milf-boobed chest and your buns so trim
Now scrutinized with a lewd-eyed grin
And your flash-look thong and your frisky limbs
Who among them would strive to undress you

Bag-eyed agents of the homeland
Where the bad guys' plottin' made us so damn dumb
My fair spouse hides dried Canadian plums
Should you seize them at the gate
Oh, bag-eyed agents, what's her fate

The kids in di'pers with their moms just ticked
Are waiting in line to be degraded and stripped
And you're shook and moan as your nappin' tyke's frisked
Unruly young one screams and rants at this issue
With your child in pain from a bib tied snug
As these manic scanners search for smuggled drugs
And for decoy rounds and for sure-fused scuds
Who succumb then to the stink of the kid's poo

Bag-eyed agents of the homeland
Where the sad child's processed like a loathsome thug
My scared sprout cries like a baby unhugged
Should I leave him at the gate
Oh, bag-eyed agents, what's his fate

Oh, a chartered band of citizens, age all eighty-five
Looked slow to the Fed-agents, barely still alive
So why did they pick them to step aside and be pried
Oh, how could they ever detain them
They must have suspected their canes were all armed
Or that the wheals on their feet could explode and cause some harm
Or that the style of their snood-buns clashed with the alarms
How could they ever, ever arraign them

Bag-eyed agents of the homeland
Where the backside pockets must be poked and plumbed
Shy spare mouths pried by barbarian thumbs
Should they heave their dental plates
Oh, bag-eyed agents, what's their fate

With the bleak mental imag'ry of shattering stone
As the mezzanines crumbled, too stun-dazed to stand alone
And the symbols went down and the dust expelled got blown
Stupid crumb-bums flew a fling to destroy you
Now you're scanned and de-briefed for all to behold
'Cause some lowly rapscallions flipped a finger so bold
At your great life ways and your most right goals
Oh, you were stunned then into things that annoy you

Bag-eyed agents of the homeland
Where the capsized propects slip from low to none
Thy air routes rived by Arabian scum
Hoodwinked leaders sighed that day
Now, bag-eyed agents, all must pay