They're scrawling host cards for the taping
They're painting the green room brown
The duty roster is filled with pages
The sponsors are in town
The FCC Commissioner
She's got them in a fix
One guest is high on some white hope powder
Another is turning tricks
And the bodyguards they're restless
They need some chairs to throw
As idiot eyes tune in tonight
To This Ole Wasteland Show

Cincinnati's most famous mayor
Is pacing up and down the aisle
And he's hoping to line his pockets
Girls Gone Crazy style
And in comes John Kerry, he's moaning
"It's all wrong for me, I believe"
And someone utters "Why the long face, my friend
Why not just leave?"
And the only sound that's left
Laughter, the audience in tow
As Cincinnati's opting out
From This Ole Wasteland Show

Now the mood is almost sullen
The stars are beginning to primp
The caustic fruitcake lady
Is even making calls to warn her pimp
All except for Jay and Conan
And the lunch crowd they both disdain
Everybody is hopping on
To ride this wretched train
And the goons of Fairyland, they're dressing
They're getting ready for a row
They're going to cause some carnage tonight
On This Ole Wasteland Show

Now old Oprah, she's turning purple
But her eyes are seeing green
Only $2.7 billion
She and Stedman make the scene
To her, this is wild and frantic
She swears she's always right
Her profession is her talk show
Her sin is her appetite
And though her couch was crippled by
Cruise's fated blow
She brought it here for all to sit
On This Ole Wasteland Show

Ben Stein, disguised as Rukeyser
With his theories in a funk
Passed out just an hour ago
When he heard his stocks had sunk
He woke to the clamor of Jim Cramer
As he stumbled through the set
Then he went off popping pain pills
And deriding the string quartet
Now you would not think to look at them
But their receding fame would grow
By writing the electric theme song score
For This Ole Wasteland Show

Dr. Phil, he spouts his pearls
In kind of a Texas drawl
While all his messed up patients
They're trying to end it all
Now his guest, some vocal floozie
She's been charged with attempt to jump bail
For her crime to steal a car and flee
From being sent to jail
And she plays on her pity whistle
You can hear her woe
If you turn your set up loud enough
For This Ole Wasteland Show

Across the street they've nailed the posters
They're urging ev'ryone to watch
With Tyra Banks in close-up
A perfect image of her crotch
They're spoonfeeding Tony Danza
To get him to feel more assured
Then they'll fill him with self-confidence
After proofreading ev'ry word
And with Tyra shouting to skinny girls
"Get outa here if you don't know
Tony Danza is just being punished for stooping
To This Ole Wasteland Show"

Now in daylight all the agents
And the network PR crew
Go out and round up every slut
With nothing else to do
Then they bring them to the studio
Where the part-and-lift brassieres
Are strapped across their shoulders
And then the engineers
Are brought out to check lighting
And insure their features glow
Check to see that nobody is drooping
On This Ole Wasteland Show

Praise be to Nielsen's ratings
This titanic trash gets gonged
With everybody's shouting
"Where did we go wrong?"
And Paula Poundstone and Chris Elliott
Fighting in the women's shower
While the backup singers laugh at them
As Letterman grows sour
And Oprah Winphrey takes a pee
While sipping some Bordeaux
And nobody wants to think too much
About This Ole Wasteland Show

Yes, I received my coupon yesterday
Before my TV signal croaked
When you asked if I would use it
Was that some kind of joke?
All these people aforementioned
Yes, I've watched them, they're quite lame
I had to rearrange their faces
Although I used their real names
Right now I don't think I care
If my reception turns to snow
Won't be watching reruns
Of This Ole Wasteland Show