Hello Mary, this is Rhoda
Wish I had a diet soda
Here comes Phyllis, how I hate her
She's about as low as dirt, that's how I rate her
Well now Rhoda, says our Mary
Hate to see ya so contrary
I like Phyllis, tho she's grating
And I really have to argue with your rating

Well now Mary, gotta tell ya
That Ted Baxter, one dumb fella
Tell me something that I don't know
He embarrasses the hell right out of me, Rho
Sue Ann Nivens, there's another
She's one horny little mother
Watch your language, really Mary
Coming from you, now that's really kinda scary

Hello Mare, and you too, Rhoda, you could use a diet soda
Just came by to say goodbye, 'cause Bess and Lars are waiting in the car
Frisco waits, we're going there for seven days and nights to see his family,
But I don't want to go, oh how I dread it so

Here's to Phyllis, and to Mary
And to Rhoda, so contrary
Sue Ann Nivens, Murray Slaughter
And to Helen Hunt who once played Murray's daughter
Mr. Grant, or should I say Lou
Ted and Georgette, Chuckles clown, too
Bess and Gordy, all the others
To the whole darn bunch of funny crazy mothers