If I was a songwriter I’d try to write a song
In an attempt to convince you to stay with me
I had hope for our future, wanted little Humphries
But we won’t get to now because you’re divorcing me

You got Kourtney and Khloe
Your mom and step-dad
And your reality show, what’s it called again?
Oh, that’s right! Keeping Up With the Kardashians,
And I’ll be left penniless after the divorce

You’ve got paparazzi everywhere
And they camp around the house every week
And you don’t know how it makes me feel
I shower at midnight now

(Psh!) That headdress looked banal on
You; what were you thinking when you wore it?
What were you thinking when you announced
We’re getting divorced via a gossip website?

If I was a songwriter I’d try to write a song
In an attempt to convince you to stay with me
I had hope for our future, wanted little Humphries
But we won’t get to now because you’re divorcing me

You’ve got a doppelganger
Who does commercials
For Old Navy, which makes me jealous ‘cause I don’t
Have a doppelganger to call my own, and
The gossip magazines make me sound like a douche

Due to persistent rumors that our
Brief marriage was going south so quickly
Oh, you don’t know how tacky you look
When you seek publicity

(Psh!) I should have suspected that
Our wedding was a publicity stunt
But you insist that you didn’t make a
Dime off our wedding, not a cent from our wedding

‘Cause it sure seems you have some doubts
Despite your claims that you married me for love

If I was a songwriter I’d try to write a song
In an attempt to convince you to stay with me
I had hope for our future, wanted little Humphries
But we won’t get to now because you’re divorcing me

You got Kourtney and Khloe
Your mom and step-dad
And your reality show, what’s it called again?
Oh, that’s right! Keeping Up With the Kardashians,
And I’ll be left penniless after the divorce