You're a Genius in France
You can lose on Jeopardy
If you've got Buckingham Blues
Then that's where you should be
But never go to the Hardware Store
Never go to the Hardware Store
Oh no!

There ain't no bear claws in the back
So buy a split level cave
Or you can throw a party, baby
In the CIA
That's fine!
But never go to the Hardware Store
The circumcizers'll circumcize
So stay the hell outta the Hardware Store for me
You must never go to the Hardware Store, you see
You see!

If you wanna watch Brady Bunch
There are reruns, theres a ton
On Frank's plasma screen
Or make Phony Calls
And on UHF
Why, they've got it all

But never go to the Hardware Store
You'll spend all the cash in your wallet, or
Spend your life at the Hardware Store
Oh no!

People keep going to the Hardware Store
And leaving me behind
I get the sweats imagining
The useful things they find
People keep going to the Hardware Store
And draining out their bank
I miss my Nate and Super-Fly
And now you're all I have
So never go to the Hardware Store
You'll buy some pliers, and you'll nail all the boards
So stay the hell out the Hardware Store for me (for me, for me)

Never go to the Hardware Store
There's purchases impulsive lurking around
So stay the (BOINK!) out the Hardware Store for me (for me, for me)
You must never go to the Hardware Store, you see