I am the very model of a MasterChef Professional.
My food all looks delicious, even though it’s barely edible.
I know the classic dishes and the stuff they serve in takeaways
From Indian to Chinese, plus the street-food from my holidays.
I’m very well acquainted, too, with all the latest cheffy tools;
Molecular’s outdated – it’s atomic fusion food that rules.
Then I can confit everything from cauliflower to ostrich eggs,
And deconstruct a vegan sausage roll, that tastes as good as Greggs’.

He’ll deconstruct a vegan sausage roll, that’s just as good as Greggs’
He’ll deconstruct a vegan sausage roll, that’s just as good as Greggs’
He’ll deconstruct a sausage roll, then make another six of them for Greg.

I never touch a microwave, instead I will sous-vide it all;
It makes the food goes soggy, but it worked for Heston Blumenthal.
It means my haddock’s flaccid and my duck breast is inedible
But shows I am the model of a MasterChef Professional.

Although it all looks pretty, it is very rarely edible;
It’s warm and wet and soggy, here on MasterChef Professional.

I know my herbs and spices and the right amount to use ‘em in,
My squid ink ravioli tastes exactly like fresh bitumen;
I elevate my pickles with a dash of neat formaldehyde.
And cook with so much chilli that your taste buds will be paralysed.
My souffles are explosive, so I coat them all with bubble gum;
My tofu pannacotta has more wobble than a builder’s bum.
With all I have to offer, it’s a certainty that I will win.
Then open my own restaurant, with lots of stars from Michelin.

He’ll open his own restaurant, with lots of stars from Michelin,
He’ll open his own restaurant, with lots of stars from Michelin,
He’ll open his own restaurant, with lots of starry stars from Michelin,

I forage all my veggies from the beds beside the public loos,
It heightens the umami and adds flavour to my barbecues.
It really doesn’t matter that they’re practic’ly inedible,
I am the very model of a MasterChef Professional.

We only taste a little, as it’s very rarely edible;
We’ll prob’ly all get poisoned, judging MasterChef Professional.

When I can sear a scallop ‘til it’s crunchy as a piece of toast,
And pithier a pangolin and claim that it’s a Sunday roast,
When I can wow the critics with a peanut that I’ve cooked three ways,
Then serve them deep-fried dolphin with an ice cream made from mayonnaise.
I cook with so much butter that you’re bound to have a heart attack.
I always serve my main course with a puree of celeriac.
I know I’ll seal the final with my ballotine of ocelot…
Of course, the most important thing is dashing round the set a lot.

The most important lesson is you run around the set a lot.
The cooking doesn’t matter if you run around the set a lot.
We don’t know why they do it, but they run around the set an awful lot.

But my culinary knowledge and my vast array of cooking skills
All come from watching TV shows, and mikro-wavving ready meals.
And now, I’ll cook and plate and serve a dish that’s barely edible.
I am the very model of a MasterChef Professional.

He’s talking total rubbish, for we find his food delectable,
But then we’re paid to say so, as it’s MasterChef Professional.