Chorus: I can’t pretend that airports
And their long lines
Don’t grind my gears
I could really use a private jet, private jet, private jet
I can’t pretend that airports
And their dumb signs
Don’t cause me fears
Do you really think I’m a homeland threat, homeland threat, homeland threat?

Verse 1: Yeah!
I should use the cars, or a shuttle, or the trains
Just use a motor trans much simpler than planes
Cuz after all the purchasin’ and searchin’ and waitin’
And some the folks in the line need translatin’
And all the pandemonium they are creatin’
There comes a time when you brake and start hatin’
And when they’re starin’ at your face like a scout
And you hopin the T.S.A. doesn’t call you out
But that just how our homeland’s secured
You get a private search, soon after your feared
And when your flight delays in the night
What harm could this do? It’s a cup of Sprite!
So airports, airports, sorry I’m late
That guard stopped me, please don’t close my gate!
If I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight
And I’ll be right back at it, at the end of the line!

Chorus: I can’t pretend that airports
And their loud whines
Don’t hurt my ears
I could really use my own G5, own G5, own G5
I can’t pretend that airports
And their big fines
Don’t scare my peers
I should really think if I should drive, I should drive, I should drive

Verse 2: Yeah! Yeah!
Somebody take me back to the days
Before there was Southwest, before there were planes
Before it ever mattered what I had in my case
Yeah, back when it was slower to get out to the same place
And back when we were flyin’ for the sport of it
But nowadays we flyin’ to make short of it
I’m guessin’ that if I could make some changes about airports
Then maybe, oh maybe I won’t go back to court
Before the politics that we call T.S.A.
And back when ain’t nobody stuck their hands up my HEY!
And back before I had to put shoes in that tray
But this is for Al Qaeda, you suck, terrorists’ way!
So can I get my tick?
To end this headache quick
And get back at the airlines that started this shtick
So here I wait, and once again I say
I’m hopin’ we can take the word pain out of airplanes

Chorus: I can’t pretend that airports
Have not declined
In these past years
I could really use a first class pack, first class pack, first class pack
I can’t pretend that airports
And their designs
Don’t bring me tears
They could really use a big hard smack, big hard smack, big hard smack

Outro: They could really use a smack right now!
Oh…
They, they, they could really use a smack right now
Mmm…
I, I, I should take cars
Oh!
They, they, they could really use a smack right now
A smack, a smack right now!