(Spoken)

'Ello ladies, Uh; this is your Captain speaking
Ah, you can call me Pissed a s a fart
And beside me is my good drinking buddy - Steve
And you can call him any time you like
So feel free to sit down, relax and enjoy the evening's refreshments - 'cause we f***in' we are!!!

(Sung)

Well, I'm in a Drunken F***in' Coma
Lyin' naked on the sofa
The planes waitin' - I'm in the bar

(Woo hoo..... come on and get some p*** into ya Stevey!!!)

And no, I don't know what I'm drinking
And the room is spinning
Soon Ive got to fly to Hamilton
And if it all falls into place
I'll soon have a stewardess on my face (oh, Captain)

The dogs trapped there as well
Kama Sutra down the stairwell
Cabin Crew heaving chunks
Our Mechanics dusting socks
And I'm lyin' in my own pee
Intoxicated on the company jet - darlin'

Blurry Friday afternoon
Hope I don't have to fly to far
In a Drunken co co coma

Well, I'm in a Drunken coma
Flyin' over Waharoa
Look in the cockpit, and you'll see 'em sniffing glue (ugh... PVA)
And the co-pilot's hog-tied
Trying not to go cross-eyed
(Stewardess... ah; bring us another brew - Thank you.)

Now we're squeezing a poo
Well dump it all on you
My t***s spread on your lawn
This is how he lost my job

Cabin Crew dealin' crack rocks
Our Mechanic's cleaning his socks
And I'm lyin' in my own pee
Intoxicated on the company jet - darlin'

Blurry Monday afternoon
Hope I don't have to fly too far
In a drunken co co coma
In a drunken co co coma
In a drunken co co coma

(Spoken)
Hey Auckland control tower
Your all cock******s eh (hahaha)

Hey, wake up Steve
Arrrggghhhh... your dribbling all over the bloody controls again
O s***, now you'vegone and f***in' done it
S***, - There go the f***in flaps
Do ya think we better land?
(I bloody hope so!!!)