Bake Me A Burning Ham
Music by Tracy Lawrence
Lyrics by Sideshow Bob Viering

Inspired by my daughter Vivian. Dedicated to my wife, Patti (though NOT inspired by her - no, not at all!)

She was standing there, with whisk in hand -
mixing up some stuff that looked like dirty sand.
With every stroke, she brought to mind,
the sickening aroma of a sulphur mine.
I asked her if she often cooked with motor oil.
She said "we're out of Crisco - it'll be good when it boils."

Then she baked me a burning ham
Not too good, not the way I planned
A little dry and tough to get down
Charred edges all the way around
She put a big plate in front of me
I couldn't leave, couldn't make a plea
I fed the dog and he even ran
I had to eat the whole burning ham

She looked at me, as I ate the meat
as if to ask if ever I'd had such a treat
I coughed a bit, and choked and gagged
and told her I would really love a doggie bag.
And I said you may not believe my claim
but that's the best darn meal you've ever made.

Repeat chorus