Sittin' at home, munchin' on junk food,
Flippin' between C.S.I. and Family Feud.
I hear the phone ring and it's my friend Steve.
He's got a new girl that I won't believe.
He wants to go out on a double date that eve-ning.
His girl has a friend that I've gotta meet.
He says she's certainly smart and extremely sweet.
Never been one to turn down a blind date.
But this time, I'm one fish who ain't gonna take that bait.

Cause somebody told me
that you have a club foot
and you have a hair lip
and you have a bad case of halitosis.
He told me he knows this
because he once f***ed you.

For me, recklessness is nothing new,
but not even State Farm would insure me from you.
Wild love is something I'd like to find.
but dating Bigfoot is not what I had in mind.
I don't care if my date can't do basic ma-a-a-ath.
but I draw the line when I need to give her a flea-ea ba-ath.

Cause somebody told me
that you wear an eye patch
and you snort when you laugh
and you have that irritable bowel syndrome.
I think I should stay home.
I'm just not that desparate.
Now, where'd I put that blow up doll.

I am so distraught.
Don't know what the f*** Steve thought.
They tell me that love's blind,
but I'd rather kiss a porcupine.

Cause somebody told me
that you have a club foot
and you have a hair lip
and you have a birthmark all over your face.
It's a f***in' disgrace
how Steve tried to screw me.
and I'm gonna kill that son-of-a-...

Somebody told me
that you wear an eye patch
and you snort when you laugh
and you are in bad need of Head 'n' Shoulders.
I hate to be cold here,
But I think I'd rather..go down on Jason Alexander.

Somebody told me
You're covered with acne
and that you walk knock-kneed
and you have an ass the size of Wisconsin.
I hope that I can run
much faster than you so I can get the f*** awa-a-a-a-y!