-> "The Retired Trencherman"
Original Song Title:
"The Mariner's Revenge Song" (MP3)
Parody Song Title:
"The Retired Trencherman"
22 beef wieners
And 16 hamburgers
And yet my belly was still hale
10 steaks and 12 pounds of beans
5 tubs of salad greens
And never had to foot the bill!
You may not know well of me
Name’s Dave Poughkeepsie
I was the Eating Champion
Now let me tell you
Before you start your stew
A long tale you must truly believe
Was a time that I could visit a restaurant
Eating almost anything that one could want
I was born I know not where--
Yes, it is so unfair,
I was a foundling in the street
Two kind folks took me in
But much to their chagrin
My hunger could not be appeased
As time wore on, I was a pure glutton, made a mess
Making my penchant for food consumption best
My parents got so scared
Me guzzling down 6 beers
And a few tins of baked cherry pies
When I emptied my plate
I said, “More! Goodness sakes!
Please hand me more food or I’ll die!”
Now here was the thing, ‘fore my caretakers died
They said, “You’re top kid, in contests of eating, our pride!
Feed him, please him
Get guacamole and chicken fingers and blintzes
Shove it down your hole, you don’t throw up, tasting
Eating is your calling, that’s it, Dave!”
I was aged 15 years
Parents gone, I was in tears
As I chewed down 12 sides of beef
I wrote in my diary
“Someone should hire me
To clean their pantry, tout en suite!”
But soon enough, I was known as a trencherman
And I never once had in mind a sad meal of PORRIDGE!
My feeding wasn’t deterred
One time I was deferred
From a Chinese cook’ry on the sea
I passed between my lips
All of their fish and chips
And all their wanton soup, you see
The following year I had to hire a new caterer
And here’s the playbill printed up for the theater:
“Feed him, Please him
Give him guacamole and chicken fingers and blintzes
Shove it down his hole, he won’t throw up, tasting
Eating is his calling ‘til his grave!”
(The theater begins to fill with audience members during the instrumental break)
Now on this fateful night
Everything seemed all right
They paid 20 bucks a seat!
30-pound pig flank with cream
I was licking the platters clean
When came some jumbling of my teeth…
The women shrieked, the men went slack, the children wailed—
Yes, God help me, the teeth in my jaws had finally failed!
Career can’t be revived
I knew I was screwed, no jive!
I now no longer had my teeth!
Oh no, such consequence!
I did not use a dentifrice
No one taught dental hygiene to me!
So let me give some advice before I’m out of here
Please brush and floss or else milkshakes are all you’ll eat, my dear!
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