(Sung)
Laying out the sacraments, fulfilling his duty
There stands Altarboy's tight adolescent booty
Not much to choose from when you want a little sucky-suck...
Yeah! Yeah!

Altarboy! Can you keep a secret from your parents?
Altarboy! Let me show you how we perform a little sucky-suck mass...

(Spoken)
Now it's time for me to tell you about me, Father Callahan
Liturgical teacher of Altarboy, with desires comparable to Altarboy!
What desires you ask? I dunno, how about the desire to have sex?
That do anything for ya? That's temptation Pope!
How 'bout the desire to pound anything within 200 yards?
With my flesh bullet!!! That's Mr. Happy, my child.
How about the desire... to woo you....

(Sung)
History of Altarboy and Father Callahan
Dicky-doo-doo, dicky-doo-doo
A secret to be kept
A young man to be prepped
And long forgotten vows of celibacy, YEOW!

Altarboy! Please keep our little secret from the parrish!
Altarboy! Now let's see if you can take all of Callahan's mass...

(Spoken)
So Altarboy and Father Callahan locked eyes,
And they formed a relationship that would make even Michael Jackson cringe!
And they called it... their "Little Secret," that's right

(Sung)
Me! I'm his priest!
And he's my only source of release!!
(Spoken)
Come pray for me, PRAY!

(Sung)
Altarboy! I hear that you have got a little brother...
Altarboy! We can show him how to perform our little sucky-suck mass!

(Spoken)
Oh, take my hand! Young Altarboy, don't cry!
Close the confessional door
Here's Mr. Happy
Relax your throat!
And drop your robe...
I'll be the giver,
You be the receiver!
There, part your arse, it won't hurt
If you drink your Jesus juice!