(Instrumental intro)

Got stopped; policeman gave me ticket
He said "The light already turned red"
I thanked him for this dedication
He was pleased I did appreciate him
I was so thankful that he noticed
Considered giving him a big kiss
I hoped he was proud of his effort
Now I'll gladly send the court my payment
Policemen always are your best friend
They enforce the laws on which we depend
Your rights; protected by the government
Perfect match with Constitution's intent
You break the law; you must be detained
Locked up in jail and then be arraigned
You know that all the laws are real good
Was your fault; you didn't act as you should

(Chorus)
I broke the law
so I must pay
to jail I go
It's just that way
Just hope that they'll serve me tea in there
I won't dispute
The cop was right
There is no point
to get uptight
And I will be treated real fair

Sweet guard brought cookies to me from home
He was so sorry I was alone
He tried real hard to find me roommate
So thoughtful; all of these guys are so great
When I get out I'll send him a card
To find the right one might be real hard
What is appropriate for a jailer
Something for his wife from Annie Taylor?
It's always risky to give clothing
Could get her something she'll be loathing
He said she really liked cheap earrings
But I doubt that would be real endearing
Oh, Shoot, now I'm in such a quandary
And here he comes now with my laundry
No way I can repay his kindness
Buying gifts has always caused me distress

(Chorus)
So now I'm stressed
Oh, what to do?
What can I give
To this great screw?
Surely I can think of something cool
Imported wine?
An antique cup?
Must do before
My sentence up
Indecision sure makes me blue

(Tempo change)

Maybe linens or a silk blouse; I just can't choose; what to do?
Could get stockings or then again just some shoes; red or blue ?
Botox treatments for sure would make her lips real full, it's so true
liposuction would surely make her feel brand new; that might do

(Instrumental break)

(Return to original tempo)

Can't shop; it's difficult from the brig
Just don't know what to buy for this pig
Don't think I want to buy him a tie
If he didn't like it I would just die
Been treated wonderful by all here
When I get out I'll buy them all beer
While here I've made so many new friends
Invite all to brunch; perhaps next weekend
Must take the drapes all in for cleaning
Call someone, carpets all need steaming
It's stressful planning from a jail cell
Now I know why folks say prison is Hell
Just thinking 'bout it makes me angry
Need help for the event I'm planning
Can't throw bad party on probation
Might impede my rehabilitation
Self-image drops because I'm failing
Have not been helped a bit by jailing
In my anger I'm reacting bitterly
in this place they fail to teach the niceties
That tears it; now I know what I'll do
No gifts for idiotic jail screw