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Song Parodies -> "Kaiser Blade"
Original Song Title:
"Poker Face"
(MP3)Original Performer:
Lady Gaga
Parody Song Title:
"Kaiser Blade"
Parody Written by:
Robert D. Arndt Jr.
The Lyrics
Porfle started this "Sling Blade" parody marathon and this is my entry! Although Karl did not kill Doyle with a Kaiser blade (a hooked brush blade or sling blade) at the end, it was as close as he could get using a sharpened lawnmower blade! Hence, my title...
Mmm-hmm, uh-huh
Mmm-hmm, uh-huh
I wanna eat them biscuits with some mustard please
Caring Linda and Frank have become my family (I love them)
Being institutionalized gave me a bad start
But I’m gonna redeem myself by tearin’ Doyle apart
Oh, oh, oh, no, ohhhh, well he‘s got to go,
He‘s not that tough, a blade’s what I got
Oh, oh, oh, no, ohhhh, well he‘s got to go,
He‘s not that tough, a blade’s what I got
[Chorus]
Can't dodge my,
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
I’m gonna kill that bum and make Frank so happy
Doyle will never again trouble their family (I love them)
No trouble being back in the Institution
Gonna tell that sex offender to shut his mouth or I’ll kill him!
Oh, oh, oh, no, ohhhh, well he‘s got to go,
He‘s not that tough, a blade’s what I got
Oh, oh, oh, no, ohhhh, well he‘s got to go,
He‘s not that tough, a blade’s what I got
Can't dodge my,
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
Doyle was nuthin’ but a bum
His death was sudden
Miss them biscuits made with luvin’
And tinkerin’ with those lawnmowers, blades a-sharpenin’
Just felt like I was out of place
They done shoulda never let me out
But promised this, I didn’t miss
Pool of blood, done called the ambulance!
Can't dodge my,
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my,
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my,
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
Mmm-hmm, uh-huh
I wanna eat them biscuits with some mustard please
Caring Linda and Frank have become my family (I love them)
Being institutionalized gave me a bad start
But I’m gonna redeem myself by tearin’ Doyle apart
Oh, oh, oh, no, ohhhh, well he‘s got to go,
He‘s not that tough, a blade’s what I got
Oh, oh, oh, no, ohhhh, well he‘s got to go,
He‘s not that tough, a blade’s what I got
[Chorus]
Can't dodge my,
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
I’m gonna kill that bum and make Frank so happy
Doyle will never again trouble their family (I love them)
No trouble being back in the Institution
Gonna tell that sex offender to shut his mouth or I’ll kill him!
Oh, oh, oh, no, ohhhh, well he‘s got to go,
He‘s not that tough, a blade’s what I got
Oh, oh, oh, no, ohhhh, well he‘s got to go,
He‘s not that tough, a blade’s what I got
Can't dodge my,
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
Doyle was nuthin’ but a bum
His death was sudden
Miss them biscuits made with luvin’
And tinkerin’ with those lawnmowers, blades a-sharpenin’
Just felt like I was out of place
They done shoulda never let me out
But promised this, I didn’t miss
Pool of blood, done called the ambulance!
Can't dodge my,
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my,
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my,
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
Can't dodge my
Can't dodge my
No he can't dodge my Kaiser blade
(will tear into his body)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
K-k-k-Kaiser blade, k-k-Kaiser blade
(Mmm-hmm uh-huh)
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Voting Results
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Voting Breakdown
The following represent how many people voted for each category.
| Pacing | How Funny | Overall Rating | |||||||||
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 2 | 0 | 0 | 1 | ||||||||
| 3 | 0 | 1 | 0 | ||||||||
| 4 | 1 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 5 | 9 | 9 | 9 |
User Comments
Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.
Gosh Robert, I didn't think anything could top Biscuits #9 for sheer poignancy, but you done proved me wrong, mmm-hmmm. Gonna have to fix up a mess of fives fer ya, mmm-hmmm
Yessir, I reckon this here's a good 'un, all right. But it made me a mite nervous when I read it, mmm-hmm.
Thanks guys. I wanna do a parody of "Monsters Ball" next ;-D
One concern, Rob. Bibre says a man ought not to make sport of another man who done got his head cleft in two by a lawnmower blade (you call it a Keiser blade) But seeing as how Doyle was a fully deserving, no good somb*tch, I don't think the Good Lord would give a parody like this a one bomb, ummm hmmm
Porfle and CML- have you guys seen "Monsters Ball" which starred Thornton and Halle Berry? Best line in that movie is when Sonny asks his dad if he ever loved him to which the father says, "No"... and Sonny replies, "Well, I always loved you" and then blows himself away in the dad's chair. Gotta write something with that theme...
I don't reckon I ever seen no movie named "Monster Balls."
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