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Song Parodies -> "STI Problems (and an itchy bum)"

Original Song Title:

"99 Problems"

Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"STI Problems (and an itchy bum)"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

If you got infections, well I also got some:
I got STI problems, and an itchy bum

I got loads of these effing STDs
Venerially I'm somebody who'll spread disease
I've critics that say "he's herpes, lice, clap"
I'm saying they're stupid, I got WAY more than that

Because I don't do checks, or protected sex
My skin flakes off every time I flex my pecs
I'm like f*** 'em all, that's what I try to do
If you call me irresponsible.. well f*** you too

Got ice and a slice an' I got pubic lice
Playin' with me is playin' loaded dice, so
Hepatitis A an' hepatitis B, well
Hepatitis CDEFG an' J to the Z

I also got cirrhosis, and more, you'll notice
Only one I haven't got is vaginosis
More spirochaetes than sperm ejected when I come
I got STI problems, and an itchy bum, itchy

STI problems, and an itchy bum
If you got gonorrhoea, then feel glad it's just one
I got STI problems, and an itchy bum, itchy

Now it's twenty-one-four, and my dick is raw
People say that I break the motherf***in' law
Got two choices, not one, when I'm gettin' my fun
Bounce on the Devil, need a metal condom

Ain't just my critics say I'm syphilitic
When I got a few dollars, I get paralytic
When I pull I squeeze to check what is real
And ain't no transmission from copping a feel

I ain't young, I ain't black and I ain't yeast-free
I got every known diff'rent type of STD
Some I can't say, no matter how hard I try, as is
Tricky-o? Trickle-o? No: Trichomoniasis

Diarrhoea's also verbal, and all o' this piffle is
Just a way of sayin' I'm infected with syphilis
I got a papilloma virus, and I got chlamydia
I bet you didn't see that little beauty coming, did ya?

I'll never have babies, they'd be born with scabies
Yes, I'd bite your hand off to have only rabies
When she calls, I say "no, ma, I'm not in a coma
Just feeling limp with lymphogranuloma"

Hurts like bejee-zus every time I pee
That could be another TLA like HIV
If it hurts when you pee, I feel bad for you son
I got STI problems, and an itchy bum, itchy

STI problems, and an itchy bum
Had the pox so long, I got a gangrenous thumb
I got STI problems, and an itchy bum, itchy.

STI problems, and an itchy bum
Irritation all the way up into my rectum
I got STI problems, and an itchy bum, itchy

Now once upon a time, not too long ago
One visit to the doctor and then you would know
Now I've so many symptoms they're more like detritus
No, ain't nothing specific about my urethritis

I try to ignore all my penile warts
There're buboes on my buboes, all my sores have sores
Afraid to look down, worried 'bout what I'll find
It isn't masturbation that has made me go blind

And it's just as I suspected the doctor has detected
I had a little virus that infected me and wrecked it
And there's pustules, weeping sup- suppuration
Feelin' like it in flames from the inflammation

At my back door, scratchin' again
It itches like a bitch it's gonna drive me insane
Doctor says is isn't haemorrhoids or gout
It's all the wiggly worms, tryin' to get out

So all you wankers and merchant bankers
Ain't never had to deal with this size of chancres
You say I'm suppurating, pustulent scum
I got STI problems and an itchy bum, itchy

STI problems, and an itchy bum
When a girl ask me if I'm clean, I stay schtumm
I got STI problems, and an itchy bum, itchy

STI problems, and an itchy bum
My meat & two veg has got mould on the plum
I got STI problems, and an itchy bum, itchy

Gimme one more problem and then I'll have the ton
I got STI problems and an itchy bum, ha ha
Hmm crazy for this one dick.. it's dropped off

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.5
How Funny: 3.5
Overall Rating: 3.5

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   4
 2   1
 3   0
 4   1
 5   7

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

John Barry - December 18, 2014 - Report this comment
A magnum opus. . .might be able to collect a magnum o' pus from all these ailments.
Timmy1000 - December 18, 2014 - Report this comment
Never heard this OS before, so I went to YouTube and listened while following this. What an outstanding match of OS and parody and I was laughing all the way through this one. Not good to have all those STI problems - but at least you have attitude. You might have 99 problems like the OS, but 555 here.
Leough - December 18, 2014 - Report this comment
Excellent job at describing Mother Nature's nasty way of telling us to behave! LOL at "J to the Z!" Also, LOL at JAB's comment!
Andy Primus - December 18, 2014 - Report this comment
Funny lines & excellent wordplay. I don’t do rap so, unlike Timmy, I didn’t go anywhere near the OS.
Phil Alexander - December 19, 2014 - Report this comment
:-) Thanks everyone

Timmy - that's beyond the call of duty.. I have to admit I really don't like the OS (Jay Z manages to take a theme of legitimate grievance and give it a misogynistic twist so that it makes it hard to sympathize. But I've got an instrumental backing track
Timmy1000 - December 19, 2014 - Report this comment
Phil, I try to listen to the OS while I read the parodies; you not only get the story, but the overall flavor of the write. I'm pretty much going over the parody while listening to the OS, so I didn't catch all of Jay Z's meaning, but it certainly matched your mood in the write.
TJC - December 20, 2014 - Report this comment
Scabrously Brilliant!
Peter Andersson - December 21, 2014 - Report this comment
And to think that the UN is down in West Africa spending precious resources fighting Ebola while you're dicking around free back in the UK! I hope Santa puts some asbestos condoms in your sock this year!

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